Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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So I've been putting off all of this for a while, because it stresses me out and I haven't wanted to think about it. But deadlines are quickly approaching and I need to make some rock solid decisions that will greatly effect my future. (And not necessarily in this order...)

1) I need to decide if I want to become a Liberal Arts major. I would complete two minors and a concentration (minors: film and art history, concentration: french), and have a final thesis/research project. I would have 8 courses left to take ever (3 art history, 2 film, 3 gen eds...whoops. I've already completed the French requirement back at Indiana). Theoretically, I could get them done this summer and then fall, and graduate (whoa) in December. If we're being honest here, I never really thought I'd graduate.

2) I need to decide if I'm going to stay a cinema studies major. I have 16 courses left to take, a barrage of film, still 3 art history, and 3 gen eds. Basically, I cut out 8 film classes, which in the theoretically realm, kills me a little bit because (in the theoretical realm) film classes are my raison d'etre. In reality, though, our UCF film professors are severely hit or miss, the classes are frequently (and I mean FREQUENTLY) redundant. I think I've learned about Italian Neorealism and French New Wave in every class I've taken, but we haven't touched on American Independent Cinema of the 60s, the transformation of the blockbuster in the 70s, or the emergence of indie films and filmmakers in the 80s and 90s (all things I learned about in a lower-level class at Indiana). Just writing this makes me realize that the film program at UCF is not a great place to be and perhaps I should seriously consider the Liberal Arts degree...even if it's more difficult to explain or puts me in the real world a full year sooner.

3) I need to decide if I'm taking classes this summer. If I am taking classes, will they be at UCF or at another Florida community college (Valencia is supposed to be uber cheap).

4) I need to decide if I'm returning to the Park District this summer. I wasn't able to get a site director position with #1 Camp because all of the site directors from last year are returning (I can't really fault anyone there). But I got an email last week from Stephanie over there who said that I won't be working as a site director as Scampers because the positions all went to former Scamper counselors (basically, promoting from within). I'm hoping against all odds that the people who got the Scampers site director positions have been at the park district at least as long as I have, if not longer. Because if I've been there longer, it just doesn't seem fair that they would get it over me. I go back as a fifth year counselor for #1 Camp, doing all the hard work without the benefits of being site director? I really like my would be great to work with Nicole for a fourth year, but if feels really demeaning.

5) I need to decide if I want to try to find a different job. Most likely in Florida. I don't really want to work retail, but I'm not sure what else I could possibly do. I'm not qualified for anything. I've never had a real job...and the longer I wait, the worse it looks on my job application. Summer camp counselor. Period. I'd say that I could try to get an office job as a secretary or something, but honestly, I think they'd want more than a 4 month stint. Which leaves me with crappy retail jobs, and I have never been successful at getting those.

So my life is mostly purposeless and I have no future, no matter what I do. I'm working hard to get to graduation, and after that, I'm going to become a bum and die, because I'm not qualified to do anything. I am not an ambitious person. I do not actively pursue goals. And those things make it very hard to succeed in American society.

At this point, I'm willing to flip a coin and do whatever Franklin D. Roosevelt tells me to do (my closest coin is a dime).
Tags: life

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