Mrs. White: Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
Mr. Green: But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?
Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?
Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
Mrs. Peacock: No, just death. Isn't that enough?
Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
[a scream is heard in the locked billiard room]
Professor Plum: It must be the murderer.
Mr. Green: Why would *he* scream?
Wadsworth: Three murders?
Mr. Green: Six altogether.
Wadsworth: This is getting serious.
Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?
Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.
Colonel Mustard: How did you know that?
Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
Colonel Mustard: Yes...
Wadsworth: So can I.
Professor Plum: Is there going to be a cover up?
Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?
Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murders?
Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...
All: Too late!
Mr. Green: Now there's one thing I don't understand...
Professor Plum: One thing?
Mrs. White: Are you a cop?
Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green: Very funny.