Hollywood star Minnie Driver and British comedian Eddie Izzard will play the husband and wife lead roles in a new US drama called Lowlife. The show - produced by the creators of surgical drama Nip/Tuck, sees Oscar-nominee Driver and Izzard as Dahlia and Wayne, a couple of traveling con-artists on a splurge through America. FX Networks president John Landgraf says, "It's a very complicated marriage, and both characters are really strong, so we needed two actors who are perfectly matched up and can hold their own." Production is due to start in early March.
My love for Eddie Izzard is unending. My detestation of Minnie Driver is almost equivalent, but I'll deal with her for Eddie.
Some of my favorite excepts from "Dressed to Kill."
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there. That's where it is. I used to keep all my makeup in a squirrel hole. Squirrel would keep nuts on one side and makeup on the other... sometimes I'd get up that tree and that squirrel'd be *covered* in makeup. [mimes squirrel putting on makeup] "la... lala... la... Oh! [mimes hiding makeup and starting to eat a nut] ... What? Fuck off!"... he seemed to say.
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." Yeah. So, that's very much like the army.
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies!
When I was a kid in school, this careers advisor came to see us and said, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?" And he took me aside and he said, "What d'ya wanna do, kid? What is your dream?" I said, "I wanna be an astronaut! And go into outer space and discover things that no-one's ever discovered before!" He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit." "Alright, then I wanna work in a shoestore! And discover shoes that no-one's ever discovered! Right at the back of the shop on the left..." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit!" "Alright, then I wanna work in a sewer. And discover sewage that no-one's ever discovered before! And pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to a modern art gallery!" He said, "What the fuck have you been smoking, kid? You certainly haven't been smoking in a Californian bar, that's for sure." [to audience] Because you can't! Yes... No Smoking in bars, and soon No Talking and No Drinking!
And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope! I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you're gonna say, but stick with me. My story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam..." and the Pope is saying, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Mormon? It's illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?"
So King Henry, who was played by Sean Connery for this picture, said: "Then I will start a new religion. The, uh... Psychotic Bastard Religion." And an aide said "Why not call it Church of England, sire?" "Aye, Church of England — even though I am Scottish, myself."
We stole countries! That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags! Just sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country you bastard!" "No flag, no country! You can't have one. That's the rules... that... I've just made up! And I'm backing it up with this gun... that was lent from the National Rifle Association."
"Vicar, I have done many bad things." "Well, so have I." "Well, what should I do?" "Well, drink 5 Bloody Mary's... and you won't remember."
[On Martin Luther] This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying "Hang on a minute!" But in German, so "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!" He was from everywhere.
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuck-head!
In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up...
"Building a henge, are we? That's a fantastic idea. It's a marvelous religion the druids have got, yes. A lot of white clothing, I like that." They'd smash out a huge stone and then they'd put tree trunks down to roll it along on..."Help you push 'em along, all right? It's not far, is it?" And the druids going, "Heave, everyone, heave, well done everyone. You're doing very well. You'll love it when you see it, I've seen some of the drawings already, it's very special." After 200 miles, "You fucking bastard! You never told us 200 miles! Two hundred miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now!... And they set all the stones up and the druids are still tinkering around. "Ok, that stone and this one, can we swap them round?"
Whew. That was a waste of time. Oy.