?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Oct. 9th, 2005

Perhaps it's a jumble of emotions and hormones and estrogen gone wild...but I cried no less than three times during "Grey's Anatomy" and it wasn't tears...it was the shaky, upset, overwhelmed crying. Needless to say it was a good episode. And in a side note, Alex is just the kind of jackass that I would fall for. I need better taste in men.


I have a test tomorrow morning at 9:30am, and then I'll either be going to Disney World or meeting my mom and aunt for shopping and lunch. A Monday ritual...and you all wish your "Monday rituals" would include Disney World. I should study, but after watching an emotionally-packed Grey's Anatomy...but feeling jilted due to commercials and a 42-minute time restraint, I feel the need to watch some 2:30+ hour-long epic tear-jerker. I'd say "like Titanic or Pearl Harbor" but that's cliche. So instead, I'll probably go to bed without the sweet release of bawling to a chick-flick.

Bugger.

I want to be back home already.

But my sisters Cici and Emily will be down here for my 21st Birthday in just 26 days. Then Cici and her kids will be back down for Thanksgiving in 43 days. And then! Winter Break...I'll be back in Illinois for 3 full and glorious weeks in about 65 days.

It's going to be a long 3 years until I graduate. Why can't I be happy with my life?

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
bravebunny
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:02 pm (UTC)
no sadness!
I don't like it when you're not happy with your life. Especially since just a little bit ago you were all ready to get used to the way you think it really is out there.

But we're all running in circles as though we're chickens with our heads cut off. My head, I think, is all of you guys back home, keeping me nice and centered with lots of phone calls and random messages and funny IMs in the middle of the day, squeals across digital phone lines...

I hate to say it, but I'm homesick, dude. I don't think I can live abroad, not even if it's with someone I love; how could I go so far forever, knowing hardly anyone would ever be able to visit?

You'll last with school. You will. And you're in Florida, and you get to go to Disney World on Mondays. That's awesome.

On a side note, when I was drinking wine this weekend, I severely missed you. You're the one I wanted to be talking philosophically with about men and loss and nature and religion and politics. The girl I was with was nice, but she's no you. I miss you guys. Guess what? Even Caitlin e-mailed me recently. So now my homesickness is worse.

Huggies, huggies, huggies!

p.s. I'm flying in 31 Dec, not that late, and then I go to Oxford about a week later. When's your breaky?
gailmarie
Oct. 10th, 2005 12:57 pm (UTC)
Re: no sadness!
I've been thinking a bit about the phrase "home is where the heart is" and I definitely think it's true. Despite the fact (and possible in cause of the fact) that my mother is in Florida too...that's not really the "heart" that I have craved or needed. It was a problem in Europe too, even though I had Allie for about half the trip, my heart wasn't whole. I need more than one person, even if that person is a mother or a best friend.

And I felt at home when I landed at O'Hare on Thursday, because I knew my sister was coming to get me, and I knew that I was back in a place that felt familiar. Half of my heart is location, the other half is the people.

It was a crazy coincidence and something that authors would add to a novel to prove a point...but when I got off the plane, who was waiting to get on the next flight? Ali Randall. I haven't seen her in ages and haven't talked to her in even longer, but I said I was home for my nephew's 12th birthday and she was like "that makes me feel so old!" because it's the people I've been around forever that are my home. (She was on her way to Phoenix to visit Michelle Katz, so I sent my best with her.)

It was totally like fate telling me "yes...you are home. People here know you and love you and this is where you belong." Of course, I didn't think that much of it at the time, but it made me feel warm and fuzzy. I used to say that DHS was my "home" which was partially true. Hell, we spent all of our time there, but more than that...we were around our best friends in the world (many of whom are STILL our best friends) and in a place where it felt comfortable.

And I don't think it's just you and me that feel that way. Not having you "near by" has certainly made me feel more lost than usual, but more than that...I think a lot of our college buddies have had a hard time finding friends good enough to replace the relationships we made in high school. The people I meet don't even measure up to the standard I have learned to set for friends. They either aren't smart enough, or savvy enough, or just plain don't know enough random shit about everything. One time I was actually talking to my roommate, she said "you're really weird." And while I know this (duh), I need someone who can keep up with the weirdness. Yes, I make really random references, sometimes to things as obscure as video games and british sitcoms. I need people who can keep up with at least 75% of it. They don't need to get it all...because that would just be creepy and I'd have met my equal.

But yeah. I want to be back where I don't have to do a search to find the nearest Gap or McDonald's. I should know the nearest 5 by heart. And I want to be somewhere where the people know me. It's like Cheers..."Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came." I want to enter a room and have everyone say "Gail!" instead of being the silent wonder who no one knows and I disappear in the background.

Well, I'd like to write more, but it would probably be just as incoherent and I have to go take a Statistics test that I am in no way ready for (grammar, but I'm not changing it), and that I will most likely bomb. But the optional final can get me out of a tough spot if it's actually really bad.

So I love you. And I miss you. And I wish you would be here before January, you slut. But I'm still in town until January 4th (when I fly out midday...so that's wasted, unless you and ??? take me to lunch and the airport like my trip to France). Anyway. I'm out of here, and I know you've been in kinda a crappy mood too (your post with the rant supports that theory), but I thought me and my bad moods wouldn't really help you, and this probably isn't either because you're missing home. But really...it's only two and a half more months. And that's like nothing. So I'll see you soon.
bravebunny
Oct. 10th, 2005 01:59 pm (UTC)
ah the ramblin'
Dearest Gailness, you could never bum me out more, because you'd just be sympathizing with me, letting me know you're in the same boat; if we're both bummed a little and in a boat full of holes, there's no one else I'd love to share the bailin'-out bucket with.

Of course you aren't the only person I miss. If that were true, I'd be a creepy crazy stalker type, and I'm not. I miss other people too, it was just that this weekend I missed you in particular; why the fuck would I miss Patty, for instance, while drinkin wine in Bordeaux? Wouldn't make any sense, so I missed you instead.

I understand completely what you mean about the excitement of being like, Hey, I know you! It was weird, even last night when we got off the train at Lux-city station, there were other kids from their own travels back waiting for the same train back out to the suburbs and we were all like Hi! How was your weekend??, and it was sort of like running into Ali at O'Hare, except I just know these people, and I love Ali....

Home is where the heart is, but the heart gets connected up to a place. I love being able to drive through Deerfield and be able to say, Oh that's where X happened, and when I was 5, that's where I met so-and-so. There's no other place that will be quite as concentrated with people and places that I love and that are imprinted on my heart. What're you going to do? Even if you're like, D-town blows...

So, love you too. Bises!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

July 2008
S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

Tags

Page Summary

Powered by LiveJournal.com