Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

Don't try to make no sense of the scene...

For the first time today, I've turned off the TV and tuned out the massive disaster.

The world seems to have an eerie mood about it. It's the same really, no less cars or people, but it's just so different. It's very creepy, and very scary.

I don't know why, but on my way home (I went to visit Ci because...well...I guess I just needed to be near someone and talk to someone, and I don't really communicate with my parents), I got really emotional. I guess I realized that everything is changing. Nothing will be the same. Though we may recover physically, the emotional wounds run deep right now.

I felt lost. Driving the course I know so well that I barely have to pay attention to where I'm going, and it felt odd. Wrong. Different.

I honestly don't know why. I mean...*blank*. I don't know. I should feel effected by this, and I do, but I didn't personally know anyone there. I have never been to the World Trade Center, nor did I really know what it was until today. Until it was too late.

This is one of those times that it seems wrong to be happy. It's a somber day. I like that it's somber, it means we are acknowledging and remembering the people who died today. But I get angry when people don't treat today as the somber memorial that I feel it should be. When one of my friends starts making a joke, or an off-handed comment that maybe we won't get homework tonight, and I get upset. That's just wrong and disrespectful.

I have a feeling tomorrow will be a hard day. Classes will try to commence as usual, and will only succeed in trying my nerves. I don't think I can handle normal classes. I need...a break.

One thing that stood out about today, that I forgot to mention early, was in French. Madame Wolf said to us that she never realized how much we meant to her, and that in light of this incident, she wanted to tell us that we were important and that she really looked forward to seeing us everyday. She started to cry a bit. It makes us realize that we are mortal, which is a very scary thought.

I don't think I mentioned this either. Last night, I wrote about how proud I was of my English story/assignment thing. It was a girl's reaction to the JFK assassination. This morning, when the announcement came over the intercom at my own school, I knew something was wrong. It was what I had written in my story, and I knew it would be bad. It was. And the similarities don't end there. My story contained silent halls, confused students, and crying teachers. Everyone trying to make sense of a tragedy, just like what happened today. It was a strange day from the start.

It's hard to believe that only 16 hours ago, life was normal and calm, or at least more normal and calm that now. The world has been turned upside down, and it's really starting to freak me out. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, or what to do to try and make my life more in order.

In the car home tonight, I was listening to my Tabitha's Secret CD, because it had songs that weren't too upbeat, and a generally somber tone. In the song "Unkind", it contains the words "and pain gives me the right to be unkind". All of a sudden, I didn't know how I felt about this statement. I feel like my values and ideas have been scrambled up, and I don't know where I stand on issues. I really want to see whomever was responsible for the crashes burned at the stake, but then again, I'm usually a peaceful person. I don't want to get into a war. With technology now, I have a feeling we wouldn't last long. Pain is hard to deal with, yes. I've had my share of pain in my life - trust me, it hurts. It hurts like hell. But does it give me the right to be unkind? I think I should be more tolerant, and understanding, having experienced such horrible tragedies. I should be open minded. But I find myself not. I don't know what's going on.

I guess I should go to bed. I mean, I have nothing else to do. I shouldn't watch more of the news. I've seen it all. I want to get my mind off of it, but not completely. Somber tones, Remembrance. These are top priorities, but they are giving me headaches, as are the tears that keep intruding in my eyes.

Love and Peace to all on this night, of September 11th, 2001.

Current Mood: Lost/Sad/Lonely/Scared/Confused/Upset/Blank

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