Tonight, the night of the 25th of June, at 9:00 pm on the year of 2003, a professional extraction operation took place. One Jason Crystal had been abducted by the infamous Gail Glader and Candace Potempa. He requested assistance.
John Garvey, Rob Gould, David Goldman, and I, Patrick Luckow, conducted the operation. We informed Crystal and his assailants to meet us at Togo's on Lake Cook. Knowing full well that it would be closed, we lured them into our trap. We arrived in two teams, Mr. Gould and Mr. Garvey in one vehicle, Team 1, and Mr. Goldman and myself in another, Team 2. The cars were parked in front of the meeting location, and I got out to wait and keep watch. Within five minutes, they arrived.
I banged on the hood and told Mr. Goldman it was time to go, while our counterparts left their vehicle and began to run west on Lake Cook. This served as the perfect distraction allowing Mr. Crystal to exit the vehicle and jump into the already moving Ford Aerostar. Our team left immediately, and drove north to the Jewel parking lot, where we were to lie low for a couple minutes.
Team 1 had begun running back to Togo's soon after we left the parking lot. They hid in a shadowed alcove and waited for pickup. We arrived and they jumped in. The operation was going smoothly, but our enemies waited for us as we turned out of the restaurant. After assessing the situation, the conclusion was reached that the full power of the Aerostar would have to be put to use. Mr. Goldman revved the engine and went for it. We went flying past our enemies and sped towards the stop sign at the end of the street. We didn't stop.
We hid in the parking lot of an abandoned building until we were confident our enemies had gone the other way, and decided to proceed to Deer Franks for a victory celebration. Our goal was achieved, and nobody had been hurt. An astounding success. As we were turning onto Waukegan Road from Lake Cook, we became aware of our enemies vehicle ahead of us. Instead of fleeing to the nearest exit, fun was to be had. Expecting them to turn off on Greenwood, we pursued in their wake. Before they turned, Mr. Goldman pulled the Aerostar up alongside our enemies and honked his horns. To no surprise, the fiends were up to no good. They were on their cell phones, plotting their next scheme. We weren't acknowledged by more than a raised middle finger.
These women were true criminals. We couldn't capture them this night. Accepting our success of retrieving the objective, the five of us went to Deer Franks for ice cream. Another day, women, another day.
To: Pat Luckow
Cc: Jason Crystal, Goldy, Rob Gould, John Garvey, Candace Potempa
Subject: Attn: An Error of Website Proportions
Mr. Luckow -
I wish to inform you of a gross inaccuracy in your reporting of the events of the evening of June 25th.
First off, you were quoted as saying "Our goal was achieved, and nobody had been hurt." Though your "goal" may have been achieved, it is a far cry to say that no one was hurt. I have it on good authority that both Ms. Potempa and Ms. Glader were DEEPLY insulted and aggravated at the assault they were put through tonight. Perhaps it means nothing to you and your petty ideas of "humor," but in the real world people expect friends to act decently. Frankly, Mr. Crystal, Goldman, Garvey and Gould acted as assholes this evening and the events were not seen as anything other than pathetic.
Second, this "plotting" you seem to have discussed involving cell phones was an obvious count of confusion. Perhaps if Mr. Goldman were to check his cell phone voice mail, you would be presented with actual fact. Ms. Glader would also like to state that the text message she sent to said cell phone may help to clear up the inaccuracies. To quote: "FUCK YOU JACKASSES! Our 6 year olds were better behaved than YOU!! I hope you have a shitty night."
I hope that this brings a new light to the extreme magnitude of the events of this evening. To end, I would like to submit a summary of actions from the eyes of Ms. Glader toward one Miss Molly Davis.
"We had talked to people before dinner and we all decided to meet up afterwards to hang out. Candace and I went to Olive Garden, then picked up Zoe and JC and came back to my house. It turned out that a bunch of the boys were at Rob's. We were too tired and lazy from a long day of work to go, and wanted them to come here. A while later Rob calls back and invites us to Togo's for ice cream. We get there and Togo's is closed, and they pull this dick stunt where they start driving around in circles and ditching us completely, then coming back. Then were trying to lead us on a wild goose chase that was totally childish and something we weren't in the mood for. Finally, Candace and I decided to just go home. On the way, she called them, practically on the verge of tears and bitched out Goldy, and I sent that text message. No one has attempted to apologize."
I shall leave it at that. Thank you for your time and I hope that in the future you may learn how to be a decent human being. For now, enjoy being the scum of the earth.
That made me even madder than I was before.
Where's the Mike's Hard?