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Two part post...

Part One: Today's Events

I took a little nap after coming back from Mulder's sucky party and before Zoe picked me up for Jessie's semi-boring party.

I had talked to Charlie earlier, and since it is his birthday, I suggested a birthday dinner. He picked Cheesecake Factory and said he had a family friend's graduation party at 4, so I said we could do an 8 or 8:30 dinner.

Zoe and I bailed on Jessie's party at 7 and came back here to organize dinner. We put in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood at 7:45, knowing that we would only have a half-hour or so to watch.

And Caitlin called me. And Carly called me. And Patty IMed me. And Candace called me. To find out what was going on.

And Charlie was no where to be found.

He FINALLY got home at 9:40 (at which point Zoe and I are uber hungry) and he says that he isn't that hungry. Well fuck that, we're going anyway!

So we round up everyone and get a group of 9 people (John, Pat, Candace, Lizzie, Zack, Zoe, Charlie, Carly and Me) to go to dinner at 10pm. It rocked.

After, Amanda met up with us and we went to the track at the high school because there's a Relay For Life thing going on from 5pm to 7am, and we have friends on a couple of the teams. So at midnight we showed up to support mainly Allie and Nikki. We hung out in the grass, in the dark, for 2 hours. Go us.

Just got home. Tired...but not too tired.

Part Two: The Other Stuff

Zack and Amanda officially started dating. Carly and Charlie at going through the motions...they just don't have the title yet. My single friends are dropping like flies ("...flies that drop really fast").

I know that Zack's probably reading this, and I'm happy for you. You have every right to be happy.

But this is where I start to get bitter.

Because I hate relationships. I generally don't believe in them, and I don't believe in love. They are all doomed from the start, yadda yadda yadda.

I hate when everything becomes a unit. When you can't go anywhere with boy, if girl is not along. I hate when girl can't go out because boy wants alone time. I can understand alone time. But when girl and boy have one night of alone time a week, and there are 5 school nights that can't be used and the 7th is a family thing...and girl does not see any of her friends for 3 months...I have a problem.

Yes, I am a bit bitter that I never get to spend time with my best friend. I've been seeing her a lot more recently due to the fact that school is over...but before that? I would call her up on a Friday night and she'd be going out with Ben. And Saturday night is a dinner with Grammy. Maybe next weekend.

And I really don't want to start on PDA. Because I honestly don't have a problem with it, as long as it's under control and not blatant making out or groping. I just...I don't know.

I say all of this shit. I say that I hate relationships. I hate that things don't last and I hate that people assume they are in love when they really aren't.

And at the same time, there is honestly nothing I want more right now. Not just because I feel left out (which I most definitely do) but because I feel like I fucking deserve it at this point. I've put up with enough shit, and I've dealt with enough confusion to know that I need an actual relationship. I need to restore faith that things can work out. Because I haven't seen it happen yet.

I could list all of my family members who are divorced, but it would take up too much room. And the list of those who are having problems is even longer.

Bleh. Now I'm just rambling and not actually saying anything. It's just upsetting that I don't have a "best friend" to go to. Because I consider myself to have 3 really good, if not best, friends. And all three of them are in relationships.

Fuck me.

*sigh* Someday my prince will come. And until then, I'll go cry myself to sleep or stab my eyes out. Whichever will hurt less. I'm thinking the stabbing...


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 8th, 2003 08:30 am (UTC)
Jun. 8th, 2003 08:46 am (UTC)
Umm sorry for Amanda and I dating, sorry for everyone that is I guess, but you can't get mad at Allie because she likes and has liked Ben for a while. And we all realize these aren't going to last, but it's nice to have someone, I don't think perminance was ever part of the plan...if it did I would have been much more selective back in the day.
Jun. 8th, 2003 09:08 am (UTC)
No, I know. I'm not mad at anyone, and you definitely shouldn't appologize for dating...that's just silly.

I don't think I was really clear in my intentions as I was ranting last night, but one of the reasons I have kept myself from relationships is that they won't last. I'm sure it was just an excuse, but still. It's just a defense I use. Whenever someone gets too close, I tend to push away. And then I wind up alone, which I'm usually fine with...because I haven't really been otherwise. Except at times like these, when everyone is so happy and having fun and being young...and I still have the pessimism and bitterness of an old maid.

And that, my dear, sucks.

I didn't mean this to be an attack on you, or anyone else for that matter. It's just the thoughts in my head and the feelings that won't go away.
Jun. 8th, 2003 04:30 pm (UTC)
should this post be friends only?

I don't get that Ben and Allie thing either. Because Ben spends a lot of time with KateLizzieSteph without Allie there... and I have no idea what she's doing.

I hate all that PDA / unit shit too, and that's [a small part of] why relationships are so hard for me.

If it helps, I'm more fucked up than you could imagine, and I'm not having much fun, and I doubt love a lot... but that probably doesn't help. And you do deserve something, Gail. It'll work out. College in a few months. all that crap. just know that you deserve good stuff, so good stuff will come (eventually) or something
Jun. 8th, 2003 06:17 pm (UTC)
I probably should have been locked, but I've really given up caring at this point.

And thanks, Peter. What you said did help.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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