Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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There's not a word that I comprehend, except when you signed it "I will love you always and forever"

Today has been so very long. And so very lonely.

After the incident this morning with my mother, which still has me very upset, I decided that I needed to leave the house. I just couldn't stay there anymore...though I didn't have a destination.

I stopped off quickly at school to try and pick up something for the Spring Play, but the Studio office was locked, so I'll have to get it tomorrow at the Opening Ceremony thing for the new wings of the building. I'll be there from 3:30-4:30...I think.

Then I left with no clue as to where I should go. It was a little before 11 and I started in the direction of my sister's apartment. I turned, however, on Old Mill...the road my Grandma and Grandpa used to live on. I hadn't been to the house since the estate sale after Grandma died. There were people there...painting the garage. It sort of saddens me, but at the same doesn't appear that they are knocking down the house or

After that, I decided to keep driving through that section of Lake Forest, taking streets that I had never driven before. I basically just avoided turning at all costs. It was too much energy to do anything but go straight.

Eventually I wound up on Everett and took it to St. Mary's, then up to 83(?) where it dead-ends. While on St. Mary's, my cell phone rang and it was Jason, asking if I was alright, because before I left home, I IMed him with "help me", but he hadn't been home. I talked to him briefly, then hung up. A few minutes later I called him back, feeling as though I hadn't well explained what I was feeling and what had happened. I talked through a lot of the college issue and he told me to look at it from an objective view without taking into account money or my parents and try to figure out which one would be a better choice. I'm still upset that I had figured out what I had to do...and now I'm being presented with more options. I'm also really upset that I didn't apply to other schools like I was going to because back in November when I was going to apply to Northwestern and other schools, my parents had started there "Indiana is how much money?!" and "Eastern is really the only place we can afford" and so my enthusiasm to even try anything better was shot to hell. And I just wish I could turn back time now. Find a school that isn't a cakewalk to get into, and maybe one that I might be more enthusiastic about. Neither Indiana nor Eastern looks very appealing right now.

I ended up talking to Jason for about 20 minutes while I was driving before he had to go. So I continued through Round Lake and got over to 45 and drove up past my church. I went into Antioch and to the cemetery. I hadn't been there in a while...probably almost two years since I don't think I went up last year. And it was the first time I had gone alone. I didn't spend much time there, but it felt good. In just a few weeks it will have been 5 years. God, that's such a long time. So much has changed to the point where I can't remember how things were before it. People have changed so much and I don't know what things used to be. Pictures help me to see how people looked physically different back then, but emotionally and mentally...all I know is the here and now.

I was only there for a little bit...maybe 10 minutes at the most, when I decided I'd set a course for my sister's apartment. I arrived here a little before 1 and have been here all day. I made myself lunch and she and the kids went grocery shopping. She came home solo to drop off the groceries and then went over to my parent's (my) house for dinner. I decided against it, since I'm trying to avoid home.

So I've played a little Bookworm, and took a nap with the cats. I just read through my friend's page, but realized that I was signed in as cicigreen, so anything friends locked I didn't get a chance to look at. I probably won't go back through though.

I really kinda wish I could be going out tonight, but I don't know what people are doing and I really don't want to call anyone. I'm not in the mood to plan and I don't want to invite myself somewhere where I wasn't wanted. But this apartment is lonely and the cats are sleeping again. And I don't have anywhere else to go.

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