Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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To keep her caged would just delay the spring

Wanted to take a nap today...forgot I agreed to see a movie with Allie and Zoe.

So at 3-ish, I'm being picked up to see The Hours. Opa.

After church this morning, I went to Best Buy. Found both Travis CDs I wanted...The Invisible Band and The Man Who. $26, but I had a $20 gift card from my neighbors. I'm saving the $30 one from my sister for when I can actually find Reality Bites somewhere. *sigh*

I also stopped by Barnes and Noble. Strangely enough, I want Howard Zinn's The People's History of the United States. Vernon Hills only had the hardcover for $35. Hell no! I have a $15 gift card, so I was hoping for the paperback. It's supposedly about $16.20. The abridged version is only $11.70, or something like I could even buy it online...but I don't know if I want abridged (though it does have a prettier cover. And we all know it's about the prettiness of the book). I'll try the Deerfield store...sometime.

And that's my day. Go me.

The past two days, I've been in a rather strange mood. Really introspective and quiet...even when I was around a lot of other people. At my highest points, I didn't come near the normal center-of-attention and happy party Gail that I usually pull off. And I suppose it's because it's January and Januarys are always hard. They always make you think, or rather...make me think and from now until April it's just one big up-hill battle. I've felt the need to talk to someone, but I don't know who and really, I don't know what about. I just feel like I have everything to say, no matter how unorganized or jumpy it may be.

And it's been especially weird because lately I've felt empty. Like something is physically missing from me. Like I've lost something, but I don't know what it is and it's a really lonely feeling.

And to make things so much better, I've gone to church for the past two weeks, and will have to go through February. I was volunteered to help my sister do a rotation teaching thing where each week we have one of the Sunday school classes and do an activity. It's the same for them all, we enact the story of Joseph's brothers selling him into slavery in Egypt, and then feeling guilty about it. It's not hard, and I don't mind. It's fun to teach the kids. And as much as I'm against organized religion for myself, I don't mind that other people practice it. It's just that I don't like being in that church. I attended Sunday school every week for 13 years. I was confirmed there and went to youth group once a week for three years. I have spend so many hours in that building, it's almost scary. But I cut off my ties...probably for several reasons. I had always been better friends with the kids a year ahead of me. When we were younger, Stephanie, Staci and Adam were all in that group, and I hung around with them, and subsequently, also hung around the other kids that were older. I got to know them best. I was confirmed a year early, so I could take classes with all of them. That was in 7th grade, when they were all in 8th. And then Staci never got to finish classes or get confirmed. And she never graduated that year either. And that put a major drift between our class and especially between me and the church. I finished off Sunday school in 8th grade...but my heart wasn't in it as it used to be, and I stopped going after that. The only times I go anymore are to the Christmas Eve Candlelight (midnight) service, and for weddings. I cut my ties with it, so I hate being made to go back. And I find most of the basis of the religion absurd, and it was really the social aspect I went for anyway.

Eh, that was long, and I'm sorry for it. I guess I'm just sort of lost lately. And I've been so tired all the time. At least I'll have this week to catch up on sleep, I suppose. I always end up waking up early anyway. *sigh* So this is life...

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