Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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I drank your poison, cause you told me it's wine

What do they do with broken children?

Okay, so I'm not really a child anymore (and in just over 4 months the state will agree) and I'm probably not broken either.

But sometimes is just seems like the most logical conclusion. An answer to a stubborn question. I just don't understand myself a lot, and it doesn't seem so normal.

See, there are two me's. I've touched on this before. I guess the me people see is a lot more crazy, fun, exciting, silly, hyper, smiley, and overall on crack. Or at least we say that I am. I do all good, but crazy things. I swear excessively, I'm loud and people love me. It's strange, because if I were someone else, I don't think I'd like me so much. I'm obnoxious, but apparently other people find me endearing. There's just something about me that people just accept.

But the real me is different. I'm definitely more calm and pensive. Still fun, but more low key and motherly. I'm a quiet person.

And these difference are stark. I don't really understand it.

But it's like tonight...I had a couple people in my car, and I'd been hanging out for hours around people. I dropped the last person off and started home for the night and all of a sudden I found myself frowning. This from the girl who less than 5 minutes ago was yelling "Whee!!!" around every corner I took quickly. I wasn't just not smiling. I was frowning. And I didn't take corners quickly. I drive cautiously all the time, it just seems less when I have others in the car.

It was strange because I realized that I wasn't happy. This is something I've been struggling with lately. What is happiness? How do I get it? I don't know yet, but when I'm around others, I always seem happy. It would be so "un-Gail" if I weren't.

So I don't know. I'm happy one minute, not the next. I wish there was a balance. Or a stable position. One feeling all the time, none of this roller coaster shit.


In other news: My day.

At 3:15, Nikki and I showed up at Candace's (right on time), to watch The Great Muppet Caper. Was good. Love those Muppets. And now I've seen all 6 of the major movies. The older three are so much better than the newer.

Candace and I went for dinner at Potbelly. Yummy warm turkey sandwiches.

We picked up Carly and hung around the park (we are such hoodlums) until about 9, when we got swim stuff and went to Bridgette's. We hung out with Lindsay, Katy, JC, Charlie and Bridgette until about 11:45 when I had to take the girlies home for curfew.

Realized that the weekend is going to be very friendless and familyful with all this damn wedding stuff. Rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception, gift-opening/mass cleaning day. Oy.

'Tis all in my life. How are you doing?

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