Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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Run and tell the angels that everything's all right

I'm lonely.

I was going to make this a typical post. Saying how I went to dinner tonight with Jason, Charlie and Allie, and we went to Cheesecake Factory. So good. So expensive, but excellent chicken picatta and Allie and I split chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake.

But then I realized that I think I'm lonely.

And the post seems to have gone downhill.

I've been off lately. Different. A bit weird. I've noticed it, but as far as other people, they see the same old Gail.

I don't really know my problem. Except that the three people I was hanging out with this evening left, and all of a sudden I feel saddened. Not because I'm alone, but because I'm lonely. I may have been lonely while they were here too, but didn't notice.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it does to me. I need something more. I don't know what. It's something I can't put my finger on. Maybe I need ambition. Maybe I shouldn't stay out until 3am and sleep until noon. Maybe I need to do something with my life.

Maybe I'm tired of everything. I need a change. Just in my mind right now, I'm thinking of possible remedies. A job. A new room. A new life. College. But these are things that are either impossible, or I have to wait for.

I just feel so incomplete. I feel so unhappy.

I wish I knew why. I wish there was a solution. But I don't know. I can't think of anything that would make me happy. Money? That's just materialistic. I spent $27 on dinner so that our waitress would get a full 20% tip. All $9 was hers, she deserves it. Charlie made fun of me for it. Saying that it was unnecessary and that I was giving away my money. Maybe I was. But I don't care about money. I don't. I'd like to have some. I would love to be able to buy whatever CD I want, or DVD, or concert ticket. I wish I could go shop for clothes whenever I got bored with what I had.

But it's like Lucas says in Empire Records: "It's not the money. I don't even like money." I'm happier that my money went to a waitress. So I don't get one of the billion CDs I want. Oh well. I like to think it's going somewhere better.

So if it's not money, I don't know what would make me happy. I've lived a skewed life. My outlook on love, relationships, happiness, it's all messed up. I've seen too many divorces to believe in marriage, and I've never had a good example of love to believe that I might find it. I don't know how to fix this. I'm a smart girl. I know that things can work. Love can exist and marriages hold up. But I'm conflicted between what I know can exist, and what I see does exist. And I'm stuck. I have no solution.

I guess I'm just lost.

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