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Jun. 19th, 2002

Privacy and the female psyche:

I always start these things with a definite point. And I usually have a reason for it. But I'm never sure how long it will be, or what I may say. These kinds of things are the reasons I have a journal. These entries are the ones that make the rest of the stuff worth it...at least for me. My journal is my personal thing that I share with others, but mostly it's just mine.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a girl. Why do girls feel the need to keep secrets? To backstab and deceive? Why can't we just be honest?

Sure, there are plenty who are honest. I'm honest most of the time. There are things that I just don't care about. Things that I will give you a frank and forward answer about, no questions asked. Ask me, and I will tell you.

But then there are those things that are perhaps of a touchy subject. Something that I insist on keeping to myself. Things that I won't tell, no matter how much I'm bothered.

The thing is, if I were an on-looker, a passer-by or someone watching the situation and not in it, I'd just say "what the hell? It's not a big deal, just spill it."

It's different when you are the one under the inquisitor's lamp.

It's worse even when the inquisitor is working toward one piece of information. A small, tiny piece but never comes out and asks. The inquisitor takes the long way around. The inquisitor doesn't ask straight questions. The inquisitor waits for you to trip up on your response. The inquisitor is devious, ruthless, and just as secretive as the victim.

But the victim is the one being intimidated, and the inquisitor is the one with the upper hand.

There are some things that people will never know about me. There are things that only a few chosen people will know. There are things that anyone will find out about me. But I keep these things carefully in mind. I know who knows what, and I make sure that I want them to know those things. Very rarely am I caught off guard by someone knowing too much. I'm a very secretive person...odd but true.

So to get to the basis of this cryptic entry, I had a run in with an inquisitor today. Topic of discussion: Who I have a crush on.

Obviously, this is not something that several people know. One of the things I feel the need to keep a secret is my feelings towards other. And I'm not talking about disliking a so-called friend. I don't know why I feel the need to keep it to myself. It means nothing. It's nothing permanent and will most likely change. But it's not like I even tell all of my closest girlfriends.

Let's assume that there were a few people in mind (yes, a few). Only two people know one of them, and only one of those two know the others. Two people. I don't gab about shit like this. And I don't know why. I'd blame it on the media. I'm sure it has something to do with my lack of self-esteem and inability to allow people think so freely. But that would probably be unfair. Besides, I will probably discover a more valid reason later. I had the same experience yesterday. Using one initial reason, and changing it later.

The inquisition ended with me giving a letter that is somewhere in the first, middle or last name of mystery man X. The letter was S. I gave it, knowing full well that it was contained in not only those on my mind, but also in the names of others that had been mentioned in a vain attempt to gain knowledge. Bottom line, the inquisitor may have picked up something, or the inquisitor may have picked up nothing.

So here I am. Trying to decide why I need to keep these secret. Why I must hide my life from people. If I even like any of these guys. They are just names. They will change. Some sooner than others. And I wind up in a state of confusion. I don't know. I claim to know. I claim to take control. It's all a pseudo-me. A lot of things are.

I try not to censor myself here. Not in my journal. It's mine. I can be myself. I try not to limit what I say. I know certain people read it. I know others don't. I have requested that some don't, and they respect that enough to stay away. I'm lucky for all of this. I haven't been forced to make my journal a friend's only because of snoopers or unwanted readers. It has allowed me a lot of freedom to say and think what I want. I can express myself. That doesn't mean that I write insightful entries daily, or even weekly. That doesn't mean that I write about the things that only two people know about me. But it means that I express more than I do to the general public. It means that I'm much more myself here than I am at school, or even a friend's house. I acknowledge and value the freedom I have here, but do not take advantage of it. I know that others may be lurking. I took the link off of my website, but that doesn't mean that others don't have this journal bookmarked. That doesn't mean that someone I know isn't reading this. But I will not make it a friend's only post. Perhaps to state a point, or perhaps because I don't feel it's necessary. I haven't revealed anything overly personal, unless you can decipher what I have written and can analyze my thoughts and actions better than I can.

I doubt this highly and leave my entry with a simple "farewell" and happy reading as you continue. Thank you for your time and I shall step down from my soapbox now.

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