Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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I alone love you, I alone tempt you, I alone love you, fear is not the end of this

I'm bored and tired. This means that I either take a nap, or become overly reflective of myself. Today, I have chosen not to nap. Not because I don't wish to. Sleeping sounds good right now, but because the way I figure things out is either through writing, or speaking to someone. This may make more sense later.

First thing on my mind:
When one is invited to go out with friends in a semi-exclusive fashion (or just plain late when most others have curfew) I feel that it is not up to the individual to, in turn, invite others.

In other words, when I'm invited out at 9 o'clock on a Thursday night, I don't invite others along. I was obviously invited for a reason. Other people were obviously not invited for a reason. Sure, some oversights may have been made, and perhaps I should have suggested that person be invited also. But even though you are friends with the friends I am going out with, doesn't mean that it is my responsibility to invite you along. I feel bad. It wasn't my gathering. I didn't plan it, so I'm not in charge of the guest list.

So what am I supposed to say when Candace or JC comes up to me and says "You went out with them last night? Why didn't you call me?" It's not my right to invite others. Period.

That was just something I needed to get off my chest, that will apparently be continuing to plague me throughout the summer.

Self-consciousness and the female psyche.

I was talking to Lewis about this yesterday, and sort of with JC about this on Friday, and I fear I may have misspoke. Or at least not said everything I should have.

I am incredibly self-assured...compared to me a few years ago. In the most simple example, I NEVER used to wear tank-tops. I usually didn't wear shorts. I would never wear anything that may show my form (aka, my stomach). Now, my favorite things to wear are stretchy tank-tops. Thus, you can see my arms and stomach fairly clearly. I'm comfortable like this, and actually feel pretty.

But that doesn't mean that I don't still carry with me a cardigan or sweater...for if I get cold, or self-conscious. I'm a teenage girl. I'm allowed to fret about my body and image and what others think of me. There are certain people that I don't care what they see me as. These people are my friends. My friends allow me to be who I am, without fear of judgment.

And yet, though I have found a certain amount of self assurance, I am still self-conscious. I still have days where I need to wear something baggy, or a pair of black pants because they are slimming. There are still days that I can't handle how I feel, and those are the days that my emotions and problems transform themselves into body issues. It's the crappy days when I need to find something to blame how I'm feeling on. And those are the days that I decide I'm fat. Those are the days I decide that no one could love me because I'm not pretty enough. Those are the days that I cry without warning and am utterly not myself...and yet completely myself.

For the most part, I can overcome these feelings. There are plenty of times I can look in the mirror and find a million good things. I can smile at myself and say that I'm cute. And I do. When I'm feeling good, I make it known. I fish for complements on my hair or nails or whatever, because I know there will be days that I won't feel like that.

But this of course leads to a conversation on that I had briefly last night. And I guess it's just hard sometimes for me to imagine having a boyfriend. I've never been in a real relationship, and though I know I have the love of my friends...sometimes I want more. And often times I convince myself that it won't happen.

And so it hasn't. I would never make the first move. I'm definitely not self-assure enough for that yet. I'm working on it, but no. Not yet. I still have issues (obviously) and I still have a long way to go.

But I am working on it. I'm trying hard to not care. And knowing I have a lot of really good friends, it helps a lot. Without my friends, I know I would be a wreck. They all mean so much to me, though most don't know it. They have been the thing to help me along the way and I wish I could say thank you, but there are no words that I could give them.

If you actually read all, kudos to you. Two, you probably realized that there was neither a paradox, nor a paradigm. Three, I think I'm making this Pink icon my default. It's too damn cool. And so incredibly fitting for this post.

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