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I've been contemplating what to write here.

First, I thought of music. How much I'm loving 3 Doors Down again. This song ("Loser") is fantastic. I enjoy it muchly.

Second, I was thinking of my usual, boring summary of my day. Talk about school, or going to Cici's. Watching Survivor from yesterday (yay Vecepia!). The normal spam.

But I was thinking also of writing something a little deeper. Thoughtful and insightful. Digging down into myself to figure out what's really going on. How can one understand the world if they do not first understand themselves?

Then again, I don't know if I would want to. That's a lot to think about, and I'm not sure if I'm in the mood where I could keep it all together. I may end up breaking down. Bathing in salty tears as I reflect on my life. It's unfortunate, but true.

You're getting closer, you're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall.

I don't know if I'm ready to fall tonight, or if there is anyone to hold my rope.

I guess I've had a lot on my mind lately. I also think that's an understatement.

I have to mail in my response to my brother's wedding. Miss Gail Glader and Guest will just be Miss Gail Glader. No "and guest" for me. If you recall, I had the same problem back in September when my sister was getting married. Oh well. I'm fine with that, I suppose. There's definitely more important things in life.

Fayanne called about getting me a job. It turns out that the deadline for returning counselors was Friday, and then they would be picking new staff from the applicants. I printed off an application Thursday night when I found out. Filled it most of the way out. But haven't turned it in yet.

This might go back and connect with my initial meeting with Mrs. Kravets (college planning lady). There was supposedly this survey thing I was supposed to take months ago to find the right college and profession for me. Well, that was in the middle of STUNTS when my life consisted of less than 3 hours of sleep a night, and one free period that I spent doing the work that I couldn't finish at home. It was hectic. I told her that I was so busy that it slipped my mind.

Her response: "Is this what we call avoidance?"

I denied the allegation. But it's true. That's me. I'm not really a slacker, no matter how much I say I am. And I don't avoid work because I don't want to do it. I avoid it for a number of other reasons. College is something that I've worried about a lot lately, and the job basically symbolized the end of my freedom. Ever. I've never had a job before, and this would be stealing one of my last summer vacations.

I'm sure there's also an element of feared rejection. There are somethings I can take in stride. I didn't get secretary for Chorale. Oh well. At least I'm a Theatre Senior Teacher and am looking forward to a lot of other things next year. And I still get to be in Chorus. No skin of my back.

But then there are the things that tear me up for no reason. Like when I called to ask if the Park District was still hiring and they said no. I was just so banking on the idea of being a counselor, that I started to sob and decided that I needed to leave the house. I couldn't even put it in journal, I was so upset. And that's just stupid. But the job means so much right now. I'm putting so much unrealistic weight on it, that it was devastating to find out they weren't hiring.

Or when I asked Gasper about taking Multi-variable next year. I had talked to the guys in the class and they said that I could handle it, and that the AB curriculum wasn't that different from BC and that I would be fine. And I got my hopes up. I so dislike the idea of taking AP Stats next year, that I had almost started planning to be in Multi-variable. Then Gasper said I couldn't do it. That it was too big of a jump and that I'd be better in the Stats class.

And I pulled a Holden Caulfield. I didn't like that book very much, but there were definitely good parts. When people he respected started to attack him. Started to make him feel smaller and when he felt inferior, he would shut himself down. He lost respect for the person, and wouldn't respond. He's sit there like a ventriloquist's dummy and tune out his attacker. I do that. Gasper said I couldn't be in that damned class and I shut down. Holding back tears and absently nodding just to get him to stop talking.

So why haven't I turned in my wedding response? Why haven't I applied for the fucking job? Why can't I just tell myself I'm being stupid and stop acting so fucked up? Why do I get so damn anxious about making phone calls? Why can't I relax, just a little?

I don't know. If I did, I'd probably be far less tense, and much more happy. But I can't seem to build up the courage, or insensitivity, or whatever I need to block myself from the world. I still allow my mask down at inconvenient times and make a fool of myself.


I'm just tired of falling.

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