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Home.

It's a pretty strange feeling. I haven't been really "home" this entire weekend. I've been in and out a couple times, but never settling myself in.

To be honest, I still feel a bit rushed. Like I need to finish this entry so I can leave again. God forbid I actually be "home".

I have missed my bed. And my computer. And the comfort that comes with being in someplace so familiar. If I could though, I'd probably leave. Maybe not come back. I like the comfort, but I like freedom more.

I hate feeling restricted, and my most recent peeve is due to age. I'm not an adult yet. I'm not going to college yet. I won't be graduating soon enough, and my life feels utterly useless and unimportant in comparison to those that are moving on with their lives. Those who are graduating, or getting married, or learning for the purpose of preparing for jobs, not because the state tells me I need to.

This post has become far more depressing that I had imagined, and is in fact rather cryptic.

I guess I'm just tired of it all. Annoyed that the Senior's Last Day is Tuesday, tomorrow is Senior Ditch Day because Saturday was Prom. Annoyed that I still have 3 weeks of school, then a week of finals before summer hits. Annoyed that I can't speed up time and just get it all over with more quickly.

I suppose that age is something I've struggled with all my life. I'm the youngest. Thus, I've always been too young for everything. It was the perfect excuse to get rid of an annoying sister. You're too young. Chronological age, yes. I'm not an adult yet. I still have 6 months until I am. Until I can vote, and stay out past midnight....legally.

But what about mental age? How old I act, or whatever? Cici calls me "cultured". I guess that too is indebted to the fact that I'm the youngest. Always striving to understand more than I should and wanting so bad to be older like my siblings. Trying to grow up far too fast. Being forced to grow up far too fast.

I don't regret it, either. I had a childhood. I was no Holden Caulfield, and I don't feel the need to protect or shelter younger generations. Everyone will grow up in due time. I don't feel cheated, though I know some people who still haven't matured to the level I was at years ago.

Human nature, I suppose. Everyone is different, and that is good. Without variety, where would we be?

And now I'm feeling selfish. Like I'm tooting my own horn and saying that I'm better than others. Eww for condescension. Maybe I should go back to my English reading. I still have 45 of the 75 pages left to read, and still have three weeks of school yet. Damn Senioritis. Too bad I'm not a Senior...

Comments

cicigreen
May. 20th, 2002 10:39 am (UTC)
Yes, but...

How many of your seventeen year-old friends have gotten/will get to go to a bachelorette party where there will be a naked man???

See? There are perks to being the youngest! And having sisters that are completely irresponsible.

Reminder to you, call Stephi about the party. June 22nd, in case you missed it.

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