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current mood: not so good.

Eep.

I was extremely superficial earlier and my posts were spammy and annoying. (Heh, the harshest critic is yourself, right?)

Either way, I suppose the night wasn't bad, but it's taken a pitfall.

My sister Fayanne is back from college, so we decided to go though this box that my parents have been putting all those college brochures and shit in.

We must have gone through at least 100 of the things. Throwing out ones that were "too far", "too expensive", or "doesn't include my major".

We had piles for "good", "good but small", "need to look into", and "good, but too expensive...maybe if we win the lottery these would be nice". Heh.

It actually helped a bit, because it got me thinking. My major is going to be English Education (at a high school level). Yes, I am going to become a high school English teacher. I also plan on taking classes in Theatre, and perhaps Theatre Education.

But yes. Lots of the places were in the mid-west. No farther than Ohio, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri, Indiana or Michigan. And of course, my parents' choice is Illinois. In-state fees are very appealing to them.

I guess I just really wish money wasn't an issue here. What if I really wanted to go to Northwestern? Or University of Chicago? Or anywhere else? I mean, of course I have to get in, but if I did? That's $20000 a year, and that is far too much. My parents like the idea of $6000.

We had (my parents and I) these things to fill out. Surveys about college from a parents point of view, and then from the students. One of the questions on mine was "If I could have one magic wish from a genie, I'd wish for:"

My response: "An unlimited amount of money so that the only thing preventing my education is my ability." I don't want restrictions other than those that are imposed by myself. But that just won't happen.

I think one of the reasons I've been avoiding the whole college thing (and I have. Like the fucking plague that it is) is because it's depressing. And not in a mock Holden Caulfield way either. It seriously gets me down. Fayanne and my dad both noted that I was getting very prestigious schools (far more so than Fayanne had received). That I was getting a lot of honors colleges, and nice private universities. I suppose my PSAT scores were high, and I'm in honors classes. I take level 1s and APs and I earn good grades. I'm a good student. My potential lies far beyond the borders of this state. But I don't think I'm going to get much farther than Mattoon, Illinois.

I like Eastern. It's a good school and I know that it is. My sister is doing very well. She's graduating with honors after this next semester of student teaching. It's just not what I want. I guess I don't really know what I want yet, but even so, I don't think I want to be there. Obviously I'm not going to get out from the middle of a cornfield unless I go pretty far east, or west, but...I don't know.

I know it's really shitty of me to say, but my cousin is going to Western Illinois with an ACT score of 17. I'm not going to get my score for another 3 weeks, Bitchy comment: but I can guarantee you that I have at least 5 more points than that, and probably more. That school really below my level, no matter how much Mama wants in-state tuition. I'm sure it's a great school. But it's not for me.

I need to find a niche, and I have no idea where to look. I guess I want a medium sized school. Not too big, not too small. Small classes. Somewhat prestigious? I want to go somewhere that people will say "Oh, that's a good school".

But then it makes it sound like I am only looking for a name. And I'm not. I'll go somewhere I've never heard of. I'll go anywhere. Or try anywhere, to try and find what's right for me. I just haven't yet.

Isn't it enough that I know my major? I'm practically half way there.


So now I'm just bitching, and complaining, and making myself upset. Over nothing. It's so unimportant right now. And I'm being so conceited. I guess I just want the chance.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
cicigreen
May. 3rd, 2002 06:40 am (UTC)
I know you feel bad about sounding bitchy and whiny, and this comment probably won't help, but...

At least you get to go to college.

I (being the oldest and wisest) understood that Mom and Dad could not afford college. So I never attempted to go. I sabotaged my grades (and myself) and never voiced the fact that I really did want to go. Had I known that they would make the attempt to send me if I asked, I would have gone in a heartbeat. But I didn't.

I got married, had a baby, got divorced, had another baby, and now live in an apartment I can't afford and hate myself and my life.

It doesn't matter what kind of education you get or from where. Just get one, and use it. Don't become me.

That has been my goal for years, to keep you guys from following my footsteps. I failed with Emily, I don't want to fail with you, too.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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