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I don't know where to start. I really don't. And I fucking hate myself for crying over this, because it doesn't matter.

Got a letter about National Honor's Society. I was rejected. I've been telling myself that I would be. I told myself that there was no way I could get in. That I didn't have enough activities and that only taking one AP class this year would screw me over.

But it still hurt. Those words. "We are sorry to inform you that you have been rejected" or whatever. I used to be smart. What happened? The rest of the grade curve caught up, I suppose, and left me in the dust.

God, what the hell am I going to do when I start to apply for college. I'm going to be a wreck with every rejection letter I get because I am too damn optimistic. I try not to be. I try to say it's not possible, then in the back of my mind I think of reasons that it's completely within my reach. Apparently the board didn't think so though.

Maybe what hurts the most is that most of my friends who applied were accepted. When did I fall behind them? Was it when I decided to do 4 theatrical productions a year instead of 2 sports? Was it when I took a full schedule so that I couldn't be a Peer Helper or Tutor or whatever? Was it when I realized that I work on shows through out the entire year, every one, and don't have time to pick up other activities, clubs and organizations?

Maybe it was when I realized that school isn't everything.
When I realized that the point of high school was to live.
When I decided to spend time doing what I enjoy, rather than what would look good on an application.
Maybe it was when I decided that I don't like the people who spend all their time worrying about school.
The ones who take a loaded schedule.
The ones who stay up late studying.
The ones who only talk about school because they know nothing else.
The ones who don't stop to smell the roses.
The ones who are in National Honor's Society.
And made PE Leaders. And Choraliers. And Senior Advisors. (Although I must make the note that I never tried the last two, but still...)

I know their is more to life that being recognized by some stupid committee that I have excelled in humanity, or some shit like that. They don't fucking know me.

I think about what's really important in life, and I suppose it's to be loved. To have people that know you and like you and understand you, and would do almost anything for you. I have that. I have a lot of friends who I know love me. They tell me that they love me. I know that they value me as a friend. Just...I don't know. I just know. And I feel it.

And I suppose this is the part where I start to make excuses. We all do it. I've heard it. "I think what screwed me over was not taking enough APs." I do it. Just like everyone else. "If they really knew me, it might be different." "I shouldn't have given the recommendation sheet to Mr. Soandso because he and I weren't getting along well at the time."

I could make a million excuses, because they don't hurt as much as admitting the truth. I just wasn't good enough. I wasn't what they were looking for.

Perhaps I should change to try and adapt to what they want. Like those people who were accepted. Perhaps I should take classes that I know will look good, because that's what THEY want. Screw what I want to do. Screw my own personal beliefs. Screw everything that I have ever worked to get so that I may be *happy* with where I am in my life. Sacrifice it all, and be part of the National Honor's Society.

Perhaps if I change who I am, they will want me. And then I can start to be accepted. And I will feel good because I was not rejected. And I will feel empty because I have abandoned what I really *want* for something that they have been telling me I should want.

I don't even know what the hell National Honor's Society is.

I know that it's exclusive.
I know it looks good on college applications.
I know that not everyone can make it.
I know that it's supposedly a good thing.

I don't know what it stands for.
I don't know what it benefits.
I don't know what they do.
I don't know if I'd even want to be in it.

But I wanted it none the less. I was chasing the gold when I couldn't even qualify for bronze.

But like I said in the link. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I guess I don't care. I guess I won't care.

But never the less, it hurts. And reaffirms the fact that I will never get into a school like Northwestern. Or UCLA. And I have no change at Harvard, even if I *wanted* to go there.

But I suppose that doesn't matter either. Mommy wants me to stay in the midwest. Preferably in state. And to quote Elliott: "A monkey could get into college."

I know I'll get in. And I know that I'll go. But it's the "where?" that is so up in the air. And the "when I get accepted, will I want to?" I don't know that I will.

God, I don't even know what I want. And I guess I feel like I have no direction either. There was this big college fair at the Allstate Arena last night. I didn't even know about it, let alone go. But a lot of people went, with their parents, to start looking and picking and whatever. I didn't. I haven't even taken the fucking ACT yet. April of my Junior year, and some people have taken it twice, found their better score, found what college they want to look into, and what that college requires. I have no ACT score, no college, no future.

I really think I have to go to bed now, because crying and typing for 30 minutes straight is really exhausting, and I'm tired, and I just don't care anymore.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 13th, 2002 12:09 am (UTC)
Aww, I'm so sorry you weren't accepted.

But you can't beat yourself up too much over it. From the looks of it, you have a great outlook on school and what your goals should be. And so what if you didn't get into the society because you didn't do all that other stuff, at least you're having a good time doing theater, something you obviously love.

You'll figure out the whole college thing when you're ready to. It's a huge decision in your life and there is no use rushing into something like that. It's intimidating and there are tons of students who feel the exact same way, me being one of them. Just keep going with the flow and being the person you are. Things'll work out. *Hugs*
Apr. 13th, 2002 06:30 am (UTC)
There are other things that are soooooooooo much more important.

I know it is something you wanted, and rejection hurts, no matter how big or small. But, there is more to life. Who cares what a panel of people who have never met you think about you???

You are young. You are special. You are loved. You are strong. You are the best person you can be. Bah on them for not understanding that. For not taking the time to understand that. If they don't personally interview each and every person who applies, then they are not getting the whole picture of who you are.

You are NOT a piece of paper. You are NOT your class schedule. You are NOT your report card. You are NOT your after school activities.

You are you. And that is so much more important.

That is one of the many reasons I told you never to get a job in high school. I did it. I regret it.

High school is a time to live your life. Experience everything. Do anything that interests you. Explore whatever piques your curiosity. Do not tie yourself down. Do not mold yourself into what other people want to be. Do not make yourself into something you are not to please others.

There is plenty of time for that later in life.

And the "Real World," once you are out in it, does not give a rat's ass if you were in Honor's Society. Or Chess Club. Or Special Ed! They care about what you can do for them. And no piece of paper is going to tell them to hire you. You are going to tell them to hire you. And if you are locked in your room all day and night studying, what social skills are you learning? You do not become a "well rounded" person if you never leave school.

You need to have a life before you can live it. Enjoy the time you have, do what makes you happy, don't let them tell you (or make you feel like) you are less of a person just because you don't meet their expectations.

You are you. You are special. You are loved.
Apr. 13th, 2002 03:03 pm (UTC)
this is peter lansky, you ho
i feel the same way about the fucking honor society. it makes me wanna say fuck a lot. i didn't realize it at the time, probably because i assumed just about everyone got in, but this comitte judges you as a person by a piece of paper. It's ridiculous. No one even knows what it is. But I was rejected to, and i just wanna say that if i could do it over, i wouldn't apply. i reject the fucking honor society, and i'm too good to need to join it to feel better about myself.
also you should go to my blogger (sorry livejournal) which is accesible from www.geocities.com/sovietpanda. i update it too (not quite as much) and talk a lot about music. later gailer
Apr. 15th, 2002 02:53 pm (UTC)
Okay, everything your sister said is true. And she beat me to it! Anyway, who wants to be in a club that doesn't accept people as cool as you anyway? *a million hugs*
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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