Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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Don't let your life pass you by. Weep not for the memories.


I don't know where to start. I really don't. And I fucking hate myself for crying over this, because it doesn't matter.

Got a letter about National Honor's Society. I was rejected. I've been telling myself that I would be. I told myself that there was no way I could get in. That I didn't have enough activities and that only taking one AP class this year would screw me over.

But it still hurt. Those words. "We are sorry to inform you that you have been rejected" or whatever. I used to be smart. What happened? The rest of the grade curve caught up, I suppose, and left me in the dust.

God, what the hell am I going to do when I start to apply for college. I'm going to be a wreck with every rejection letter I get because I am too damn optimistic. I try not to be. I try to say it's not possible, then in the back of my mind I think of reasons that it's completely within my reach. Apparently the board didn't think so though.

Maybe what hurts the most is that most of my friends who applied were accepted. When did I fall behind them? Was it when I decided to do 4 theatrical productions a year instead of 2 sports? Was it when I took a full schedule so that I couldn't be a Peer Helper or Tutor or whatever? Was it when I realized that I work on shows through out the entire year, every one, and don't have time to pick up other activities, clubs and organizations?

Maybe it was when I realized that school isn't everything.
When I realized that the point of high school was to live.
When I decided to spend time doing what I enjoy, rather than what would look good on an application.
Maybe it was when I decided that I don't like the people who spend all their time worrying about school.
The ones who take a loaded schedule.
The ones who stay up late studying.
The ones who only talk about school because they know nothing else.
The ones who don't stop to smell the roses.
The ones who are in National Honor's Society.
And made PE Leaders. And Choraliers. And Senior Advisors. (Although I must make the note that I never tried the last two, but still...)

I know their is more to life that being recognized by some stupid committee that I have excelled in humanity, or some shit like that. They don't fucking know me.

I think about what's really important in life, and I suppose it's to be loved. To have people that know you and like you and understand you, and would do almost anything for you. I have that. I have a lot of friends who I know love me. They tell me that they love me. I know that they value me as a friend. Just...I don't know. I just know. And I feel it.

And I suppose this is the part where I start to make excuses. We all do it. I've heard it. "I think what screwed me over was not taking enough APs." I do it. Just like everyone else. "If they really knew me, it might be different." "I shouldn't have given the recommendation sheet to Mr. Soandso because he and I weren't getting along well at the time."

I could make a million excuses, because they don't hurt as much as admitting the truth. I just wasn't good enough. I wasn't what they were looking for.

Perhaps I should change to try and adapt to what they want. Like those people who were accepted. Perhaps I should take classes that I know will look good, because that's what THEY want. Screw what I want to do. Screw my own personal beliefs. Screw everything that I have ever worked to get so that I may be *happy* with where I am in my life. Sacrifice it all, and be part of the National Honor's Society.

Perhaps if I change who I am, they will want me. And then I can start to be accepted. And I will feel good because I was not rejected. And I will feel empty because I have abandoned what I really *want* for something that they have been telling me I should want.

I don't even know what the hell National Honor's Society is.

I know that it's exclusive.
I know it looks good on college applications.
I know that not everyone can make it.
I know that it's supposedly a good thing.

I don't know what it stands for.
I don't know what it benefits.
I don't know what they do.
I don't know if I'd even want to be in it.

But I wanted it none the less. I was chasing the gold when I couldn't even qualify for bronze.

But like I said in the link. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I guess I don't care. I guess I won't care.

But never the less, it hurts. And reaffirms the fact that I will never get into a school like Northwestern. Or UCLA. And I have no change at Harvard, even if I *wanted* to go there.

But I suppose that doesn't matter either. Mommy wants me to stay in the midwest. Preferably in state. And to quote Elliott: "A monkey could get into college."

I know I'll get in. And I know that I'll go. But it's the "where?" that is so up in the air. And the "when I get accepted, will I want to?" I don't know that I will.

God, I don't even know what I want. And I guess I feel like I have no direction either. There was this big college fair at the Allstate Arena last night. I didn't even know about it, let alone go. But a lot of people went, with their parents, to start looking and picking and whatever. I didn't. I haven't even taken the fucking ACT yet. April of my Junior year, and some people have taken it twice, found their better score, found what college they want to look into, and what that college requires. I have no ACT score, no college, no future.

I really think I have to go to bed now, because crying and typing for 30 minutes straight is really exhausting, and I'm tired, and I just don't care anymore.

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