Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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This is my Utopia, this is my ideal, my ultimate

I guess I've been thinking about my parents a lot recently, for a couple different reasons. Several people are having issues with their own, and also, my mom has been out of town and my dad was gone a couple weeks ago.

My parents lead a less that picture perfect marriage (to say the least). My mother has talked about divorce a lot within the past...well, at this point, several years. But she never does anything and she always stays. It seems as though it is always looming over the horizon, as though it were coming, but never has. Maybe after Grandma's house sells, she'll do it. But then she didn't. Maybe when I graduate high school, she'll finally go. I guess that we have to wait for.

It's irritating though. And I think I've only told this to Allie, but sometimes it seems like she hates him, and tries to get me to, as well. Like she'll tell me what annoying thing he has done and how irritated she is. And it bothers me, though I would never tell her, and she is most likely not doing it on purpose; subconscious, and all that.

Either way, it's gotten me thinking. If they were to divorce, and all of a sudden I have to choose who I would live with...where would I go? My mother is generous to a fault. Coming from a poor farm family where Christmas meant getting a new notebook an pen as a "big gift", she has tried to make the lives of her children as entirely comfortable as possible. She spends way too much to keep my standard of living high. She never tells me that I'm spoiled or that I can't get something because it's too expensive. With that comes a certain guilt and self-control, realizing that I have to have boundaries. I guess it's made me a little more mature and self-aware.

My father isn't exactly Scrooge, but he comes from a family of tight-wads and his father was a cruel, strict man who believed government evil and didn't use banks often. They were farm people from Lake Forest, and I guess they had money, though never flaunted or used practically any of it. So my father is pretty conservative when it comes to money. Never gives more than needed, though over the years of living with my mother, he has gotten a bit softer. I obviously didn't know him back in the day, but I'm guessing tipping 20% after tax was something that he had to be broken into. Now it's the norm, I suppose. But because he doesn't quite throw money off the roof-tops, when he does ofter to take you shopping, or pick up the tab in a store, it means that much more. The times Mama has bought things for me are innumerable, but the times that Dad had bought me something, I remember.

I guess that's the root of my choice. Money, the deciding factor in everything.

But then there's my relationship with each. With my father gone, I was going nuts. My mother just drives me crazy. I can't really pin point why, and I'm not sure if there is a good solid reason besides 'she's my mother...that's her job'. She just gets on my nerves. This week that I've been living only with my Dad, I've been happy. Though I haven't seen him much, and even when I do, we don't really talk, it's just a more pleasant atmosphere.

I guess for a while I've sort of known that if I had the choice, I'd go with my Dad. But then that feels like I'm abandoning all that I have been given to me. My life as I know it, rejected. Everything I have, it seems, is a result of my mother's generosity. I've been told before that my mom is the nicest woman in the world. And she is, I suppose. She will do anything, or give anything to help people she loves. But that doesn't mean she's easy to live with.

So I've sort of based my decision on where they wind up moving. I can see Mama going to get an apartment, or house, somewhere near my aunt Judy, while Dad stays in this house. I want to stay with the house. It's were I've grown up. I've lived here for every day of my 17 years of life. It holds sentimental value, and my friends live around here. When we come home for breaks from college, we will be back in Deerfield, not scattered around.

Eh, I guess it's a bridge we'll cross when we get there...if we ever get there.

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