Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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I'm the only one who has updated in the past two hours? Pfft...

I have been working. Honest. I even didn't talk to Cici on the phone for longer than 15 minutes so that I could work on my homework. And I finished English and History. And I'm halfway through French.

But yes. This is a boring little entry. However, I'm posting the thing I wrote today in English.

*holds up English notebook* Because this is me. My ideas, my thoughts and my feelings. Written as simply or eloquently as I decide.

That wasn't it...that was just something that ran across my mind this morning, and I decided to catch it, stew it, and serve it on a platter. Or, you know, I just wrote it down. Damn, I'm in a bizarre mood tonight.

(This is a response to an essay called "American Things" by Tony Kushner. It is on my "point of entry" of the essay...what caught my attention. This is definitely not my best work, but I liked it.)

Several things stuck with me while reading this essay. However, the most important in my mind was the quote "Mothers and fathers should do that for their kids: give them fire, and link them proudly and durably to the world in which they live." This was most definitely my point of entry due to the reflected thinking it caused me to have. Were my parents like that? Did they do all that they could to link me to my world? Did they help to open doors for me so that I could get a greater understanding?
Regretfully, I have to answer "no". Were they good parents? Well, it depends on your definition of "good" and what it means to be a parent, but I think they did alright. I feel that I turned out okay. Do I think they could have done more? Absolutely. But I realize that they are busy people, who both work full-time (and have since before I was born) and that perhaps being the youngest of five, I got the short end of the stick. Perhaps that after the first four they decided that the zoo was overrated or it was not necessary to take vacations. There are plenty of things I did do as a child, some that I'm sure I take for granted, but to this day I have only been downtown with my mother once. I've gone with my best friend and her family, as well as several times with my sister, but rarely with my own mother.
I guess I am grateful to have a support system besides that of my parents. My oldest sister (the one who has taken me downtown upwards of 15 times) has acted as "mother" for me on more than one occasion. She is 29, divorced, with two kids, and is can easily be talked of as a friend. I am the only one besides she who has keys to her apartment. I see her, talk to her, invade her home at least twice a week. She has opened doors for me to worlds I never knew. She has been my link to reality. Without her, I would still be a deprived child who hasn't done the things normal children do. (I think it should be noted that the 2 times I remember going to the zoo I was over the age of 13 and one was with my best friend, the other with my brother. All of my siblings have been fantastic influences in my life...or at least now that I have outgrown the "annoying youngest sister" phase).
In my thinking, I have also begun to wonder if when I am grown, when I am raising children of my own, when time comes to decide if I will take them to the zoo, will I be there to bring my kids to the world or will I let someone else do it for me so that I don't have to miss a day of work? I can only hope to be more like my sister than my mother, and maybe along with that, build relationships with my children that I obviously lack with my mother.

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