August 1st, 2002

Baby you're a big star now

Can there be a different ending to the same old story?


Mood swings suck.

I was fine before. Then things started getting not fine and I saw it coming. I've been so good the past few days too. I've been happy and cheerful. I guess everything that was looming over me before is still there, and I can't just put if off. I have to deal with it.

Camping: If you've been paying attention, we have no site. So I would like to still go, as would Jason and Charlie. At least try. Go somewhere and see what they say. Pack it all up and chance it.

Candace doesn't think it's smart. Amanda probably won't either. I don't know what Allie will think.

Eww. I guess what upsets me the most is that I've put so much into this. I've been planning shit forever. I've dealt with crap from every direction. I've received bitchy emails and people saying my idea was stupid for whatever reason. And finally, things were paying off. Things were working out. Things were going to be good.

And then we find out that we have too many people for the place we wanted, and only one legal adult among us, who isn't old enough to be a guardian.


Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

It's so incredibly upsetting. I want to go. I do.

August and Everything After: Appropriately titled because it's August now. Which means that school starts in 5 weeks from today. Wednesday, September 5th. Between now and then, I have meetings and things aplenty to keep myself busy.

And college.

I have friends who have their applications filled out. They are working on their essays. They know where they want to go. Have at least obtained applications.

I haven't. I don't know where I want to go. And I'm so restricted by cost that it almost doesn't matter where I visit, or apply, or get accepted to. I'm going to have very few options.

But I need to plan visits. I need to go on a massive roadtrip with my mother and check out a bunch of places that I probably can't go to, and attempt to decide what I'm doing with my life. And schedule all this during a time when it won't interfere with social plans I've made, or meetings I need to attend, and probably not so much work for Mama to take off.

Stress is annoying. Life is annoying. Crying is annoying. Sleeping is annoying. There is very little I'd like to actually do right now, and those things I do, are mostly impossible.

  • Current Music
    Count Me In - Deana Carter

(no subject)

Though it doesn't actually make me feel better, here are a couple things that should:

-The clip of Joey in Rent at It ended and I just thought "I love him".
-And the picture that they are using on the article about him is just beautiful.
-Out of the top ten best sellers on Broadway, I've seen 5. [None on Broadway, but 4 in Chicago (Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserable...twice, Beauty and the Beast and Mamma Mia!), 1 in LA (The Lion King) and technically I went to Cincinnati and Louisville to see Beauty and the Beast a few more times.]

Still doesn't make me happy, but it's good to know.
  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy

I love your imperfections, I love your everything; your broken heart, your broken wings

Well, I went to bed last night around 1.

Woke up at noon. God that's nice.

11 hours of sleep makes me very happy.

And I woke up to 9 emails. Makes me feel important too...

I need to start drinking water. I'm getting a headache already. Water will make everything better.

And for whatever reason, I want to use the word "archaic" very badly, but can't think of a good use for it.
  • Current Music
    Saints and Angels - Sara Evans

Drove downtown in the rain, 9:30 on a Tuesday, just to check out the late night record shop

Well, camping is almost completely dissolved.

Amanda's out. Candace and Allie will probably be officially dropping soon. That would leave Jason, Charlie and me. We still want to go, but it's not working out. And 6 is better than 3, so we are kind of stuck..

The good news? Now I can go to Lindsay's party on Saturday. Eh, it's something. And apparently Amanda is having a bon fire in her backyard on Friday night that she's already been inviting people to. Heh. She must have mentally dropped camping before she told us about it.

I don't know. I put a lot into it. I hate that we aren't going. But I don't see how we could. Especially with the bitter feelings it's been leaving. If all of us could go, I think it would be fine. But since people have already "made their decisions" there's nothing I can do.

So, join the club. Drop myself off the invite and spend the weekend doing fun shit to try and make up for it. Eh, it's all I have.
  • Current Music
    Brian Wilson - BNL (live)

Cause you smile like the saint but you curse like the sailor and you might say the joke's on me

Hee hee. Like this song. So me. >;)

Camping: Probably going to be Charlie, Jason and I, for one night. Then Saturday the three of us will be going to Lindsay's and spending the night (because we were 3 of 4 people invited who didn't graduate the same year as Linz. AKA, we are special younger people. Go us) that way Chazz's mom thinks he's camping both nights. How devious, eh?

Right now I'm trying to convince Allie to come. As much as I love hanging out with two boys overnight in a tent...yeah. Not like I don't hang out with them enough. Nor do I feel threatened by either. Whatever. I want to go camping, and now we will. For a night, at least. With no negative-Amanda to weigh us down.

So we might still need to go shopping at some point. And I'm having Chazz check Chain O' Lakes to see if all 4 people need to be over 18, or just one. Because we still have Jason.

So. Good, maybe? Best of both worlds? As good as things are going to get? Yeah, probably.
  • Current Music
    Saints and Sailors - Dashboard Confessional

Hey hey man, what's your problem?

My computer is being slow as...something that is really fucking slow.

Probably because it's been on for a few weeks straight.


So I'm on the other computer.

I swear there was a reason I was posting. I have no idea what the reason is right now. Heh.

Yeah. So I'm just gonna go now.
  • Current Music
    18 Wheeler - Pink

(no subject)

The problem with deciding that girls are psycho and trying to avoid all female friends is that when all your guy friends decide to go have a "guys night", you are left alone.

  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
Alanis - Unsexy

'Is there something wrong?' she said 'Of course there is.' 'You're still alive,' she said

My computer was starting to die. It does that when it's been on too long.

I was going to let it rest this weekend. I was going to turn it off. The entire weekend. All it had to do was wait less than 24 hours.

But is started to puke early, so I'm working on shutting it down. It's getting so old and decrepit that it takes forever to shut down, and even longer to boot up. Hence the fact that I keep it on. That and convenience, of course.

I'm becoming increasingly happy that I moved my mp3s to this computer, or I'd be musicless while old heifer tries to reboot. (Literally, this will take at least 10-15 minutes...)

And actually, the cable modem is hooked up to the other computer, so despite the network connection, if that one is off, this one has no internet. I was smart though, and opened the update page before shutting down the monstrosity.

So now, I babble. Babble about nothing and everything until the bitch mongrel over there shuts itself down, and with any luck, turns itself back on.

Woo! It's off!! And surprisingly well too. Usually I get funny shit on the monitor (can't be good, I know, but I ignore it...), but now, it's completely off. Sort of like a sleeping child. So peaceful and cute. It pained me to hit the little blue power button. I'll still turn it off for the weekend. It deserves it, my poor baby.

Yeah, so the parents went to dinner a bit ago. Chili's or something probably. But I continue to avoid them as much as possible. Thus is life, n'est pas?

If Mama doesn't do laundry tonight, or tomorrow morning, I'll have to do my own. Not terrible, but still. I'd prefer not to. I'll probably also do dishes before I go away for the weekend. The least I could do, really.

Still waiting for Charlie and Jason to get done playing frisbee with the rest of the boys. We are supposed to figure out the rest of the camping stuff tonight, so hopefully it will be soon. Probably not. After frisbee at Walden, they'll probably go to Pat's and play GameCube or watch a movie or something. Then I'll get a call around 11 saying that they are coming over. So I sit, bored out of my mind tonight, waiting by the phone. I feel pathetic and unwanted. *sigh*

Oh, and Allie is definitely not camping. And we are mostly definitely going to Chain O Lakes, if they have sites open.

And my computer is done. All set up with AIM and Outlook Express open. Yay!
  • Current Music
    Alive - Pearl Jam
Baby you're a big star now

Selfishly I'm in love with you, cause I searched my soul, know that it's true

I actually have no music on. I haven't even opened WinAmp since restarting this computer.

In my dreary, depressing night spent alone in my room, I read more of Blonde. Still good.

It's divided into 5 sections, then subdivided into chapters. Sometimes into sub-chapters as well.

I finished the first section: "The Child". Next is "The Girl" followed by "The Woman" then "Marilyn" and finally "The Afterlife".

"The Child" was the shortest section, I believe, only about 100 pages. But as I've said before, I'm a slow reader so it takes me a few sittings to get though it all. As it is, it took me a few hours tonight to read about 60 pages.


At least it's good. I just wish I read it more from desire than 'oh, well I have nothing to do so I suppose I could read...'

I hate feeling pathetic and sorry for myself. I feel both of these now. Oy.
  • Current Music
    Selfish - NSYNC (in head)