June 27th, 2002

Pink - Not your kind of girl

I drank your poison, cause you told me it's wine

What do they do with broken children?

Okay, so I'm not really a child anymore (and in just over 4 months the state will agree) and I'm probably not broken either.

But sometimes is just seems like the most logical conclusion. An answer to a stubborn question. I just don't understand myself a lot, and it doesn't seem so normal.

See, there are two me's. I've touched on this before. I guess the me people see is a lot more crazy, fun, exciting, silly, hyper, smiley, and overall on crack. Or at least we say that I am. I do all good, but crazy things. I swear excessively, I'm loud and people love me. It's strange, because if I were someone else, I don't think I'd like me so much. I'm obnoxious, but apparently other people find me endearing. There's just something about me that people just accept.

But the real me is different. I'm definitely more calm and pensive. Still fun, but more low key and motherly. I'm a quiet person.

And these difference are stark. I don't really understand it.

But it's like tonight...I had a couple people in my car, and I'd been hanging out for hours around people. I dropped the last person off and started home for the night and all of a sudden I found myself frowning. This from the girl who less than 5 minutes ago was yelling "Whee!!!" around every corner I took quickly. I wasn't just not smiling. I was frowning. And I didn't take corners quickly. I drive cautiously all the time, it just seems less when I have others in the car.

It was strange because I realized that I wasn't happy. This is something I've been struggling with lately. What is happiness? How do I get it? I don't know yet, but when I'm around others, I always seem happy. It would be so "un-Gail" if I weren't.

So I don't know. I'm happy one minute, not the next. I wish there was a balance. Or a stable position. One feeling all the time, none of this roller coaster shit.


In other news: My day.

At 3:15, Nikki and I showed up at Candace's (right on time), to watch The Great Muppet Caper. Was good. Love those Muppets. And now I've seen all 6 of the major movies. The older three are so much better than the newer.

Candace and I went for dinner at Potbelly. Yummy warm turkey sandwiches.

We picked up Carly and hung around the park (we are such hoodlums) until about 9, when we got swim stuff and went to Bridgette's. We hung out with Lindsay, Katy, JC, Charlie and Bridgette until about 11:45 when I had to take the girlies home for curfew.

Realized that the weekend is going to be very friendless and familyful with all this damn wedding stuff. Rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception, gift-opening/mass cleaning day. Oy.

'Tis all in my life. How are you doing?
  • Current Music
    Eventually - Pink (in head)
Baby you're a big star now

Flies in the vasoline we are, sometimes it blows my mind

I'm tired. I got my normal 11-ish hours of sleep. What else is there to do when it's summer and I don't have a job?

I suppose I should be doing something with my life and I'm not.

I feel like I'm distancing myself from my friends, even though I see them everyday. I'm online all the time, for some reason I just keep AIM on, but half the time I don't want to talk to anyone. There are a few people that I enjoy talking with, but they aren't Nikki or Candace who IM me everyday.

Why not just turn it off? I don't know.

Usually when I realize that there is something wrong with me, or something bothers me, I try to fix it. But recently I have been finding errors and not knowing what to do with them. Should I try and make myself want to be overly social again?

I'm too good at small talk. It's the deeper, more intellectual shit that I need now. And Allie's in Alaska for three week. There are other people I like to talk to, but they are seemingly unavailable, or not at interactive as I would hope. I like conversation rather than me talking to someone without feedback.

I want in depth. All I get is trivial.

I still don't think I know who I am anymore.
  • Current Music
    Vasoline - STP (live at Family Values 2001)

Can't wait for tomorrow...

Today was okay.

I ran up to Cici's apartment (did you notice?!?!) so I could steal a stamp (for Allie's letter) and do my nails (fingers and toes) for the wedding. I chose gold (well... it's actually "Glamour and Glitz"). I like it. I also took a pudding cup and a Capri Sun. Whee!

Then, I dropped the letter at the post office and went home (to check email quickly). I went to Candace's so we could pack our picnic.

The Midwest Youth Orchestra (a local orchestra that Amanda and Carly are in) was playing at Ravinia at 5:30, so we decided we'd picnic and hang on the lawn there.

We picked up Charlie and JC and the four of us went.

It was fun, and after they played, Carly and Amanda joined us. Some piano concerto guy was playing after, so we sat around until it got dark (probably around 9:15). We left and came back to my house.

Note to self: 6 people do not fit in your car.

That was an experience in and of itself.

Around 10:20, we walked to Jason's house to pick up his car, so that I wouldn't have to drive everyone home. It was really fun. I love walking, especially at night. It's nice and cool outside and absolutely beautiful.

A little after 11, JC and Carly went home, and a little after that, I drove Candace and Amanda home. (Charlie walks because he lives about 5 houses down).

Now I'm home. Tired. Nervous about the upcoming weekend. So much everything. But I'm sure it will be fun. Wedding = fun.
  • Current Music
    Today is the Greatest - Smashing Pumpkins