June 23rd, 2002

...dreamers

Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

Just got home from Candace's party.

Highlights:
- Arrived half hour late due to napping
- Badminton/volleyball
- Super Smash for Game Cube
- I forgot sleepover stuff, so Allie and I came back to my house and preceded to discuss for about a half hour before going back to Candace's.
- Empire Records
- Iron Chef
- Jaycee Park at midnight. We played and hung out and talked in the dark (interesting conversations involving relationships and family with Zoe and Allie)
- Ocean's Eleven
- Sleep around 3:30.
- Wake up around 11.
- Eat doughnuts
- Muppets Take Manhattan
- Break Candace's doorknob. Whoops.
- Get kicked out of Candace's house because "the party was nearing 20 hours".

There was also a small Journal incident, in which my Journal became public knowledge and I may have minorly flipped out. (JC sent me an apology email because he said he didn't realize it was semi-secretive.)

I'm hopping no one reads my Journal. As trivial as some posts are, others are quite the opposite.

And now, I'm going to shower and nap. Then hopefully there will be stuff going on later.

--------

Happy Birthday Katie!!
  • Current Music
    Crawling in the Dark - Hoobastank
...dreamers

(no subject)

Ha ha ha ha.

I'm watching the Backstory on AMC of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, that 1991 film classic.

I really want to go rent it now. Damn.
  • Current Mood
    weird weird
...dreamers

Run and tell the angels that everything's all right

I'm lonely.


I was going to make this a typical post. Saying how I went to dinner tonight with Jason, Charlie and Allie, and we went to Cheesecake Factory. So good. So expensive, but excellent chicken picatta and Allie and I split chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake.

But then I realized that I think I'm lonely.

And the post seems to have gone downhill.

I've been off lately. Different. A bit weird. I've noticed it, but as far as other people, they see the same old Gail.

I don't really know my problem. Except that the three people I was hanging out with this evening left, and all of a sudden I feel saddened. Not because I'm alone, but because I'm lonely. I may have been lonely while they were here too, but didn't notice.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it does to me. I need something more. I don't know what. It's something I can't put my finger on. Maybe I need ambition. Maybe I shouldn't stay out until 3am and sleep until noon. Maybe I need to do something with my life.

Maybe I'm tired of everything. I need a change. Just in my mind right now, I'm thinking of possible remedies. A job. A new room. A new life. College. But these are things that are either impossible, or I have to wait for.

I just feel so incomplete. I feel so unhappy.

I wish I knew why. I wish there was a solution. But I don't know. I can't think of anything that would make me happy. Money? That's just materialistic. I spent $27 on dinner so that our waitress would get a full 20% tip. All $9 was hers, she deserves it. Charlie made fun of me for it. Saying that it was unnecessary and that I was giving away my money. Maybe I was. But I don't care about money. I don't. I'd like to have some. I would love to be able to buy whatever CD I want, or DVD, or concert ticket. I wish I could go shop for clothes whenever I got bored with what I had.

But it's like Lucas says in Empire Records: "It's not the money. I don't even like money." I'm happier that my money went to a waitress. So I don't get one of the billion CDs I want. Oh well. I like to think it's going somewhere better.

So if it's not money, I don't know what would make me happy. I've lived a skewed life. My outlook on love, relationships, happiness, it's all messed up. I've seen too many divorces to believe in marriage, and I've never had a good example of love to believe that I might find it. I don't know how to fix this. I'm a smart girl. I know that things can work. Love can exist and marriages hold up. But I'm conflicted between what I know can exist, and what I see does exist. And I'm stuck. I have no solution.

I guess I'm just lost.
  • Current Music
    Learn to Fly - Foo Fighters