March 20th, 2002

...dreamers

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful. I can feel so boring for someone so interesting

So ignorant for someone of sound mind...

Bah. Big bah. Like BAH! No more like...BAAAHHH!!!

That's how I feel. Like shit. I knew it was coming. I can sense these things now. I know myself. It just bothers me that it happens so damn often.

I snapped at Nikki today too. I like Nikki. I have no problems with Nikki. I would rather have bitched out Caitlin, but I didn't.

*sighs*

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." - Plato.

Words to live by. I just wish others would.

My math teacher asked if I was okay today. Ha! I'll start at the beginning, because it's sort of a story.

Okay, so I have Theatre 6th period. It was great. I did my monologue and felt like I nailed it. It was fantastic, and Zach was all proud of me. He's so cute.

So I was feeling really good. Like, walking down the hall with a smile and feeling incredible. Then it started to hit me, and I knew it. I KNEW it.

I don't remember much of French, other than walking in and being slapped in the face by what would be the "straw to break the camel's back". Caitlin. Complaining about college and tech or whatever. Then other people start talking. Georgetown this, and Harvard that. Even if I *could* get in to these schools, I wouldn't be able to afford that. I wouldn't even want to, but it's the principle of it, I guess. I'm going to end up at Madison, or Indiana, or Iowa, or if I can't avoid it like the plague, Eastern Illinois University. Nothing wrong with these schools. Any of them. They are fine schools. Great even. And everyone and their family goes there. And I want out. I want to leave the Midwest. I love the area...will probably spend the rest of my life here, no matter how much I want to live on the Ocean. No, I'm picking the furthest place from it. No matter, I still want at least 4 years where I'm not surrounded by the over-privileged, under-appreciatory upper-middle class suburban area we call the "North Shore". I need to get away. I need a break. Thank god for Spring Break.

Sorry, that was tangential. After French, I'm feeling like shit. And angry and have all of ^that^ running through my head. So in Calculus, I basically start going loopy. Crazy and laughing and all that.
Gasper: Gail, are you okay?
Me: I'm just great!
Gasper: Because that was definitely the maniacal laughter of someone loosing it.
Me: Oh, you have no idea.

*sighs* Things will get better. They always do. But first they will get worse. *braces self*
  • Current Music
    Utopia - Alanis
...dreamers

Well it's full speed, baby. In the wrong direction. There's a few more bruises

Please be honest, Mary Jane, are you happy? Please, don't censor your tears.

Fuck, that song is awesome.

And will someone please remind me next time mommy asks if I want to go to dinner with her and Dad...JUST SAY NO! It's like drugs...but you don't even get the fun euphoria with it. It's just pure hell the whole time.

College came up. Mommy's requirements:
-Cheap
-Good theatre program (that's actually for me...she's so considerate. Ha.)
-Less than 8 hours away.
So much for leaving the Midwest. I feel the need to make myself feel better with a quote from The Great Gatsby:

That's my middle-west--not the wheat or the prairies or the lost Swede towns but the thrilling, returning trains of my youth and the street lamps and sleigh bells in the frosty dark and the shadows of holly wreaths thrown by lighted windows on the snow.

And

I see now that this has been a story of the West, after all--Tom and Gatsby, Daisy and Jordan and I, were all Westerners, and perhaps we possessed some deficiency in common which made us subtly unadaptable to Eastern life.

I love the Midwest. I do. But in the same way that I love school. I'd explain, but I feel it would be in vain. I just...We all need a vacation every once in a while. When do I get mine?

Bah. The chorus concert went well though. I'm regretting not trying out for Choraliers (our show choir). I wouldn't have made it...but what if I had? I didn't even try. *sigh* Life is full of regrets, n'est pas? Best to just not think of them and move on. Yes, I'm fine. "Don't forget, no regrets" - Barenaked Ladies, "Thanks That Was Fun".

I should go do homework. Or go to sleep. Either would be better than sitting here and accomplishing nothing.

*sighs* And I lost a slipper. Just one. How the hell does someone lose a slipper? I'm convinced that my kitty ate it. Stupid cat.

Oh yeah, and I have a headache. What's new, eh?

[EDIT: Oh, and I looked damned good tonight, and no one said anything. Dammit! I hate fishing for complements, but please, someone tell me that you love me. Tell me I'm worth while. Tell me I'm not a complete failure as a person. Tell me I'm loveable and sweet. Something! BAH!!!!]
  • Current Music
    Comfortable - John Mayer