January 13th, 2002

...dreamers

This will be random...

Sometimes I feel guilty for bad mouthing my mother. Though she has kept me from my homework, she has given me dinner. Though she most likely didn't care about my trip to Theatre Fest, she listened. Though she didn't have to, she bought me some clothes out of the blue. Though it isn't her job, she tried to clean my room for me.

And just now...though it wasn't necessary, she gave me a pack of Ice Breaker mints, and a 4-pack of Vanilla Frappuccino that she bought while shopping today with my aunt. A small gift, costing approximately $5, but the thought to it is what really counts. She may not know me well. But it's not like she doesn't know me at all. She knows that I love ice breakers. She knows that Vanilla is my favorite flavor of Frappuccino. And as trite as it is, it actually means a lot to me. And now I'm crying...


On a semi-unrelated note, I talked to mommy on the way home from dinner. Nothing too deep, but as we were approaching home she mentioned how she was worried about my sister (cicigreen) because they were at the same movie today, though sat separately, and Ci fell getting to her seat, and mama didn't know if she had hurt her ankle, or was feeling faint or what. Then I mentioned how I often panic, and jump to conclusions, and imagine the worst, and am completely and totally paranoid. Mama says it runs in the family...and for good reason.

It seems January is the anniversary for many things. A few birthdays, a couple tragedies, and if life has taught me anything, it's that bad things happen. And so many people say "Oh, well things like that can't happen again." But they do. And they have before. So I would say me being paranoid is not unwarranted. I just wish it wasn't so ... I wish it didn't make me panic so much.

Example: Last night when we were about 10 miles from school (after driving back on the bus from Festival), my cell phone started ringing. It was in my purse, which was two seats behind me and across the aisle. I couldn't reach it because there were a lot of people. I started yelling for someone to get me my phone. And I yelled at Goldie, because a couple times previously, he had been calling people with his cell phone, just for the fun of it. He said that he swore it wasn't him, but by the time I got my phone, I had missed the call. Having no caller ID or voice mail, I didn't know who it was. I basically began to quietly freak out. What if something had happened? What if, what if, what if....? I couldn't help it.

Finally, Goldie's cell rang, and it was Lewis. He was the one who had tried calling, wondering what we were doing that night, and when we would be home. I settled down, but it's not like that was the first time this had happened. EVERY SINGLE TIME I miss a call, I begin to panic. Every time I silence my cell for a movie, or leave it in the car for a two minute trip into Target, or forget it at home, I panic. What if someone needs me? What if something happens?

I guess there's no way to cure that though. No way to make me relax. Not even time, because things like that transcend time. And I have one more small story before I go...
Collapse )
  • Current Music
    I Thought She Knew - NSYNC
...dreamers

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me....

I am my own worst enemy.

How much fucking homework do I have?
When was I planning on going to bed?

HAVE I FUCKING STARTED?

no

I'm so fucking dead. And I forgot most of it at school, too. Fuck me. Fuck it. DAMMIT ALL TO FUCKING HELL!!!!
  • Current Music
    Count Me In - Deana Carter
...dreamers

More me bashing myself...

I only have my French and Calculus stuff with me. I half-assed French and haven't started math.

IT'S ELEVEN O'CLOCK AND I HAVEN'T STARTED MY MATH HOMEWORK.

Shit. Why the fuck am I such a slacker. Why can I just do my fucking work. Now I feel all guilty and panicky. Shit. And I don't have a fucking calculator because it's in my bag with the rest of my homework at school.


FUCK IT! I QUIT!!!!!!
  • Current Music
    Last Kiss - Pearl Jam