October 29th, 2001

...dreamers

Do you ever have one of those days....

...where from the second you wake up, you just know that you should turn back over, and not even bother? You know it's doomed from the beginning, and the only way to stop it, is to never start?

Yes, you have. And yes, I had. Today, in fact.

It really started last night. Went to a 9 o'clock showing of On The Line with Cici. It was good. Well, the movie itself sucked, but it was good...because...yes. And I totally squeeed a lot. "a lot". Bass-akwards? Ahahaha! And Justin! Oh my god, Justin!

Okay, so back to the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day part. Mommy, as I mentioned, wasn't coming home from mini-vacation/parent's weekend until this evening. Um...okay. How do I get to school? I apparently live too close for bus service, though I'd have to cross a semi-major highway, railroad tracks, and it's about a quarter mile. Can't ride a bike because with the backpack I have to lug around, I'd kill myself. If my father drove me, I'd be at school at 5:30am. This left my beautiful and wonderful sister, Ci. So I spent the night at her apartment. This meant that I never really got a chance to finish my homework before going to sleep.

Of course, this morning runs...well...semi-late. I can't tell if it's really late, because we've never really had to run on that type of schedule before. I get to school with about 10 minutes before my class starts, and after I finished putting stuff in my locker (including my overnight bag) and get my books organized in my backpack for the morning, it's time to go to Physics. Shit. Fuck. Goddamned. Remember how I mentioned that I had a test? Remember how I also mentioned I didn't get a chance to study? Remember how I may have said that I really dislike physics and don't understand it? Well, put 2 and 2 and 2 together, and you get me failing my test. Now I don't know this for a fact, but I can guarantee you it wasn't good.

And I realize that a lot of people are like "Oh, I totally failed that", or "I'm going to fail this math quiz!" and they always end up passing (getting a 60% or higher). Well, for the first time ever in my life, I think I may have actually failed something. I remember a 5th grade test on the countries in Africa, I got a 71%, and I know I got a high D on a math test freshman year, before dropping that class, but never in my life have I officially failed something. Needless to say, that didn't improve my already impending doom feeling from the morning.

The thing about me, is that when I get overly stressed, upset, or just blah, I tend to cry....A lot. It's just how I am. I never used to be like this, but now, all it takes is one little incident and I'm a ball of mush. I cried twice during the physics test, though I tried not to let anyone see. Once during English (but we were silently reading, so no one noticed), for a prolonged period of time during History (**see below for explanation of this one**), once during my free period 4th when I was explaining to Allie what a shitty day I was having. And twice during tech. Thankfully, I was backstage, and alone, so no one was near by. I just kept telling myself to "leave it at the door", a philosophy we have to keep your mind on the job at hand, and not on your personal problems.

Somehow I've managed to make it to here. Now, I feel the need to clarify, my "crying" is getting very choked up, and having tears flood my eyes. In about three of the incidents today, tears actually fell. The rest, they were just so welled up, that I couldn't see straight.

So, yes. Today pretty much sucked. Tomorrow is opening night for the play, and I would usually get to go home between school and call, but I have a STUNTS Board meeting between this time, so again, I will be at school from 7:30 until 9:30. Um, eww. I need a vacation. Is it Friday yet?


**Mr. Heerman told this completely awesome and amazing story of a student he had had in 1968. This kid, as he said, was a "C- student, but an A+ human being". The kid, Teddy, ended up going to Vietnam when he graduated high school in 1971, and was taken as a Prisoner of War. He died in the camp, but not before making a profound impact of those he was imprisoned with. It was said by those men, that none of them would have survived without Teddy. He would sneak extra rations of food, and found ways of picking handcuffs, and would take the place of men whose punishment was 4 days of standing against a pole. He allowed those men to rest for a night, or few hours at a time. He was just that kind of great, kind, generous, giving human. He was honored by the President for his heroism, and when Mr. Heerman went with Teddy's mother to the White House, he was given an envelope with a letter inside, the last thing Teddy wrote was to him. It said something along the lines of "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care". It was a truly amazing story that had me in tears.**
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...dreamers

Small, Quick Note...

So, I never set my watch back yesterday. It says it's 11:13 right now.

The strange thing is, I can't decided if I'm going to change it.

"Why," you say, "Gail, why in god's name would you not change your watch to the normal time?"

"Well," I respond, "Since you asked so nicely, I shall explain. My life is dictated by time. Very much so. Even the days when I don't have school, or some other engagement [wait, when is that?], I live my the clock. If I'm not wearing a watch, I feel inferior. A leap, but go with me. It's like I'm at the mercy of other people. I still have to be at the same places, at the same time, but now, I don't know when.

"It's like driving," I continue. "I always feel the need to drive when we go out places. It puts me in control, and in charge of myself, as well as others."

"Why then," you ask, still puzzled, "Would you want a watch that is wrong, when you live by the clock so?"

"Glad you asked." I smile. "See, My life is too dictated by time, and I have to try to be more free of it. However, if there is ever a time that I *need* to know the exact time, I can always do a simple subtraction in my head, and arrive at the correct conclusion. Understand?"

"Well, I understand that you are very weird, a little quarky, and definitely strange."

"Yes," I laugh again. "That is certainly true."

"I also understand that you are making up mock conversations with yourself, and as such should either go spend this time in the shower or reading Huck Finn."

"Hmmm...apparently, you work not only as a conversation companion, but as a conscious. Your suggestion has been noted, though I think I would prefer to slack for a bit longer."

"It's your grade, deary. Don't come crawling to me when you have an essay to write on whether Huck was a good friend or a racist."

"Yeah, thanks, again, your suggestion was noted. Now stuff it."
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