Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

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I've been debating whether or not to update...

...mostly because I'm on the ledge between depressed and being fine. This might put me over the edge, and I don't want to start crying again because there are too many people here.

I just woke up a half an hour ago. I got about 9 hours of sleep. To do that tonight, I have to go to bed at 9:30. That gives me 9 hours to do all my homework today. And I was supposed to go with Ci and the kids to see Beauty and the Beast on IMAX. I saw it once already, but it was very cool. There are parts when you think you are watching a piece of art and not a Disney flick. Also, we are so blessed to have an IMAX theatre about 6 miles from here.

But the movie would take up 3+ hours of time. And I want to. More than anything I want to just forget about all my obligations and go there. Then out to dinner. Then go play with the kittens. But I can't. And I really have to stop putting this off because I have been all break....

Okay, cutting away now...

A little insite to me: I usually set one goal for Winter Break every year. It's the same thing, and relatively easy so that I can always get it accomplished and I never feel guilty. The goal, you ask? To clean my room. One 4 hour massive throw-out and organization and I'm done. And I feel good about getting the one goal I set, done.

The 9 Frappuccino bottles (plus two Pepsi cans and a water bottle) littering my desk, and the heaps of clothes, bags, christmas presents and other shit scattered on the floor seems to suggest that I did not reach this goal.

And that just makes me feel like a total failure. At everything. At life. I set myself one stupid, EASY goal, and I can't even accomplish that in the 14 fucking days that I've been out of school. I think I've been putting it off so much because I've wanted to put off the start of school. I've been so enthralled with hatred for most of my classes and have been dreading going back SO much that I didn't even fulfill my annual winter break goal. And that makes me disappointed in myself.

I was thinking last night, and I think I should go into my counselor to talk about scheduling. I have a list of classes that I really want to take next year. And I have a list of classes that I should take next year. And when I merge them together, I (and this is no exaggeration) need 12 class periods. We get 9. And do I really want a FULL SCHEDULE my senior year??? Well, I can tell you right now, HELL NO, unless they are classes like Ceramics, Film as Literature, Chorus and Theatre. Fine Arts, English classes, maybe a history. That's what I want. That's what I'll need for future professions. So why should I be considering taking a fucking AP math and AP science class. Especially since I'm so filled with hate for both.

Why? Because I think that if I have taken 4 years of lab science, with one AP, and taking two AP math classes through high school will give me the upper hand. That's the only fucking reason I'm killing myself by taking physics is because most high schools don't offer physics courses so it'll look good on a college transcript. it'll look good on a college transcript. That is completely the wrong reason.

What happened to my fun? What happened to "high school are the best days of your life"? I'm having a hard time enjoying my enjoyable classes because I'm having such a problem in the others. I don't want to be in the Sound of Music anymore. Rehearsal hasn't even started. And it's my favorite musical (that and Les Miz. They are tied for first, but are completely different. *shrugs*). It's my favorite, and I was so excited when I made it, and now I want to quit.

The Illinois High School Association hosts a Theatre Festival every year where hundreds (maybe even thousands) of students from Illinois high school go to either University of Illinois or Illinois State (this year is ISU. Last year was UofI). That's this Thursday, Friday and Saturday. You go and take workshops and see shows that other high schools have put together. It's such a fantastic experience, and I had so much fun last year. This year, I'm DREADING going because I'm going to miss a day and a half of school. And...

...well, this is kinda hard.

I've mentioned My Seniors. They are all freshman in college right now. I see them extremely sporadically throughout the year, if at all. And then on breaks. They were all here last year. They were at theatre fest, and it made it that much more fun. They are such fantastic people and I love them all. I never realized it until they came back for Winter Break how much I missed them, and how much I miss last year. Last year was so much more fun, and so much less stress, and I had them all here, and got to know them really well, and got to be really good friends with them. And now they are going away again, and what do I have to look forward to? Their spring break? I don't want them to leave me again.

Elliott is going to be transferring to Columbia (which is downtown, or in Evanston, or somewhere within 20 miles of here). He was trying to decide whether to go back to Arizona for second semester or taking it off. I told him he should take it off. For selfish reasons because he'd be home. And Bridgette and Jenny both hate their schools. Bridgette's probably applying to Columbia also, and Jenny is planning to hang in to Miami until at least the end of the year.

I want them all home. I'm such a selfish heinous bitch.

But I am so unhappy. (Oh, and by the way...the no crying thing, and on the edge of depressed...heh...far gone at this point) I don't want to do anything any more. I want to just go to sleep, and stay like that. Forever. I'm not one to sleep late. Usually over the summer or breaks, I'm awake by 10 at the latest. No matter what time I went to bed. The past week, unless I've had an alarm set, I've been in bed until after noon. And then I would just lay there. Not wanting to get up. Like it was a school morning and I had a test or something. Just laying there. But it's not like I had a test. It's not like I was doing anything. I did NOTHING most days, but still could never get out of bed.

Why can't it be last year again? I may have bitched while I was there, but it's a shit load better that this crap, and I was content last year. Not happy, because I didn't realize at the time that it was all really good, but content. Where the hell did that go?

So it makes me wonder, is it me that changed? Am I in some way different? Was it the overload of difficult classes? The abandonment of friends? The increased stress of activities? Everything put together?

I feel like I have no time to relax. No down time. My favorite show in the entire world, which I absolutely adore, The West Wing, I haven't seen since September. And I probably won't get to see in until summer. My 52 DVDs that I own haven't been played. I have no time to watch movies. I never get a chance to even listen to CDs (I have about 130). I listen to mp3s on my computer, because it's easier than finding a CD, loading it, and playing. I don't have the fucking time to put a CD into a CD player.

Yet I manage to update this, usually more than once a day. Some people may say it's a waste of time. But it's a release. It's an outlet. I don't have the time to write actual stories, or draw, or anything else that I may love to do, so I have journal. I can write about how I'm feeling on moment to moment basis. On a day to day basis. I can divulge secrets and things I don't tell some of my closest friends, and know that I won't be judged. I can write the most trivial thing, or the most important. It doesn't really matter. This is MY Journal and if you don't like it, then don't read it. It's as simple as that.

*sigh* But I really should be doing homework. If I want to get to bed at 9:30 (heh), it only gives me 8 and a half hours.

I don't want to go.....don't make me go!!! *sighs*

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