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*sigh* Where to begin?

I guess I'll start with my falling asleep in Calculus today...again. This is the third day in a row. It's so bad, because I have a test tomorrow, and I wasn't paying attention and learning what I'll have to know. No. Instead I was sleeping. And I'm fairly certain that he noticed today. And I felt really guilty, and tried really hard not to. I tried taking notes, or nervously shaking my leg, to try an keep myself awake. But I kept dozing off. Three times. Just today. This is so bad.

The good thing is that I have Outdoor Adventure afterward, and I may be afraid of heights, but the climbing walls are a great way to beat out your stress and bad feelings. I have a whole new appreciation for climbing after today.

Our grades were posted in Physics yesterday. I'm at a low C+ after turning in assignments and stuff. I guess that's only about 5 points lower than my normal grade. Hopefully I can make that up later. I don't know though. I just don't understand anything we are learning. I don't think it's really that hard, I just can't do it. And it bugs the shit out of me, because I know that I SHOULD get it, and just don't. It's frustrating.

And I got in the mail...for the first time ever...a "Notice to Parents" (basically a progress report). They are only sent home when you are doing poorly in a class. It was from French. Apparently I'm averaging a 68%. That's a D+. What the hell? How is that fucking possible? I'm averaging a 90 on quizzes (as of the 10th...that has gone down since) and an 82 on language labs. I must be doing some piss poor work to bring that down to a D. Fuck.

God! You look at my grades this year...this quarter...and you'd think I was a C average student. Dammit, I average a fucking A-. What the hell is going on? I sure as fuck don't know. I refuse to blame this on my extracurriculars, because I chose to do those, and if this is my punishment, then so be it. But this is definitely not all the fault of me living a busy life.

And shit like this doesn't motivate me to do more work, or to work harder. It makes me want to quit. It makes me doubt myself and wonder if I should be going to college in a year and a half.

God, what's wrong with me?? This isn't normal.

I think my mom is starting to get worried about me. Rightfully so, apparently. Yes, I'm living on 3-5 hours of sleep a night, my grades are slipping, and I never have time for anything but school, extracurricular, homework, sleep, and then the cycle starts over. The same every day. And it's been like that forever. Why is now so different?

Shit, I can't do this. If I weren't feeling horrible enough, this is certainly not helping. I just....I don't know. I don't know.

I have to go...do homework. I have a chorus concert tonight, so I'll be out of the house from about 6 to 9.

*wipes tears from eyes and sighs*

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