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Sorry, but I have to elaborate...


I feel like shit. I don't want to do my homework. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to go to rehearsals anymore. I don't want to have a full schedule. I don't want to have an activity after school everyday. I don't want to be living my life. I don't want a messy room. I don't want to do anything.

I want to relax. I want to have free time. I want to be happy. I want to understand Physics. I want to know what's going on in the world. I want to be more than I am.


Fuck it all. I feel like I need a vacation, but I just got back from one. A lot of people asked how it was. "It was good. Better than being here. *heh*" That was my answer. Yes, Florida is better than school. Not better than seeing friends (who missed me). Not better than having a traditional family dinner.

I love holidays. Coming from a big family, they are the best. Everyone comes. Whether they live at home anymore or not, they all come together in a house that smells of stuffing and pumpkin pie, and we laugh, and drink, and eat and have a good time. For the past 3 years, I haven't had a Thanksgiving. I've been in Florida.

Something that made this year harder was that not only were me and my mom gone, but my sister Fayanne went to Brad's family's for dinner, and my dad went to the UP of Michigan. I wasn't even here, but the thought of everyone separating makes me sad. I like the togetherness of holidays. I need the unity of family. That was the opposite of what happened. I think that's why I'm looking forward to Christmas so much. I need Christmas. I need everyone to come over on the morning of the 25th and all sit around our living room in pajamas and take all the presents from under the tree and pass them out to their owners, then have everyone open them, one by one. I need mommy to make a fantastically elaborate breakfast that she only makes once a year, and for us all to just hang out and do nothing all day, until it's time for us to go to the big extended family party at my aunt's house.

*sigh*

I need winter break. The thing is, that before this whole "Florida for Thanksgiving" thing, my family *never* goes on vacations. I sit at home during spring break. I sit at home during the entire 3 months of summer vacation. I sit at home for the two weeks of winter break. I used to be envious of the kids that went to Aspen in the winter, Florida in the spring, and Europe in the summer. In live in a VERY rich community, and this is the norm. I used to want that. But after years of not having it, I prefer it this way. If mama said next year that we were never going to Florida for Thanksgiving again, I would be happy. Not just okay with it, happy with it. I could sit on my couch and watch Oprah, and the View, and MTV. I could relax, knowing that I didn't miss any school and don't have to make up a shitload of work.

I need winter break like that. I need to laze around all day. I need to have my days "busy" because I need to get up in time for Regis, then shower quick before my soap comes on. Oh, and don't forget chatting online with people, and going out later that night. What is a girl to do? This is the life I like. I aspire to be a housewife/mother. You can catch your soap as well as pick up the kids from school and wash 4 loads of laundry. I don't mind laundry. I don't mind cleaning sinks and floors. I don't mind vacuuming and dusting. I want to do that. It sure as hell beats the life I have.

When I get stressed, I get headaches. Bad ones. Often. And prolonged. My muscles tense, and start to hurt (especially my neck and back). I clench my teeth. My eyes start to hurt. I make myself physically sick because I can't handle my emotional self. God, my head hurts so much now. Okay, master plan (because I suddenly have a little bit of a work ethic)...do some homework, then go on AIM. Take a shower, and get to bed by 1. I don't have any big classes tomorrow anyway. And I can sleep until 9.

But just thinking about what fucking homework to do diminished any want to work on it. I don't mind doing work, if it's just there, and I can get it done, and move on. But right now, I'm so behind, that I don't even want to start because I won't get anywhere. Fuck this all!!!!

motherfuckingshitypieceofcrapwhythefuckcantijustfuckingrelaxscrew
homeworkandtakecareofmyselfsoidontgetsogoddamnedsickandrundownandstressed
anddepressedandfeelinglostlonelyconfusedoverwhelmeditstoomuchformeandican
admitthatbuttheresnothingicandoaboutitwhichisalmostthehardestpart.shit.


Okay, I'm gone for now.

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