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Hmmm�where to start�.

As a fair warning, I don�t know where this entry will go�or how long it will be. Prepare yourself now.

So yesterday, I was up before 6 to go to the State Meet. It was amazing. Erika is incredible. She won, of course, but not only that, this is a State Meet. This means the best runners in the entire state. And she still beat out her opponent by 50 to 60 seconds. That�s huge. It was so awesome to watch. I believe she broke the course record that she set 3 weeks ago at the Peoria Invitational. It was really cool, and I�m really glad I went. Bailey didn�t do bad either. He came in 93rd, which is in the top half. He said he wasn�t really disappointed because he peaked last week so that he could get to State, and was really glad that he did.

Our bus was supposed to get home about 5, because it took about 3 and a half hours to get down, so by leaving at 1, you�d think we�d be home in plenty of time. Well�no. Not at all. We got back with about 7 minutes until 6. I had to go home, change and be back at school before 6. That didn�t happen, but I don�t think anyone was overly upset, because I�m always on time, and I always get right to my job and am done before others.

The bus ride home was interesting. Allie, Nikki and I got on a discussion of 7th grade, and how our lives changed significantly at that time. We talked (using non-specifics because there were about 4 people listening intently to our conversation) for about an hour, and I cried a lot. We decided that we would go back over to Allie�s at midnight for a sleep over. (Midnight because I had the show, then the cast party, and Allie had a date with Ben).

For the last half hour of the bus ride though, we had a challenge of intellegence. It was me and Allie against Nick and Zach. By the time we got to DHS again, the score was 4 to 4, but it was really fun.

So we get to school, and Allie runs me home quickly so I can change and get back for the show. Closing Night. There were some tears before the show, and a bunch after. I got mine out before. After the cast and crew come together for focus and energy raising activities, the crew goes out for a little inspiration or final focus. Eric had to patrol the audience and left it up to me, Steph and Goldy. Steph said her few words, and though she�s a senior this year, didn�t really get emotional.

Then it was my turn. I said something to the effect of: �This was my first opportunity to Stage Manage, so I just want to thank you all for being so supportive of me, and helping me out, and doing a wonderful job. This play means so much to me, and I�m so grateful that I was given the opportunity to work with both cast and crew, so I guess just go out and have a great show tonight.� I lost it around the first �thank you�, but I got through it. I just love this play so much, and Fall Plays are always my favorite.

The show went really well. Any mistakes weren�t huge, and I think it worked as the end of the run. I mean, it had been the 8th performance, and we�ve done better at parts, but overall, I think the audience got a really great show. After the show a majority of the cast was in tears, and most of them bawling.

The cast party was at Anna�s house, and was a ton of fun. Had I not had previous plans to go to Allie�s, I definitely would have stayed and slept over there. There were a few times that night I actually wished I would have stayed. The point of Allie�s was to be therapeutic and sort of continue our bus discussion, but it didn�t overly help me. But I came to a sort of realization. I didn�t share it, because it seemed Nikki�s talk was more important, but I remembered the play. And there�s one part when she�s talking about how she�s not happy. And she hasn�t been happy for some time. I don�t think I�m happy. Obviously, there are times I am in a good mood, or have really good and fun times. But all that is, is a mood. I don�t think I�m a happy person at the core. I don�t really remember a time when I was. And I think that when I get overly sad and upset, or depressed, it�s because this is how I really am, and my happiness is the fleeting part, not the sadness.

On a totally different (but sort of related note), I have to do my homework now. This is the first time this entire weekend that I�ve been home for more than 20 minutes and wasn�t sleeping. As such, I haven�t really started anything. And I have a lot to do. And mommy�s going shopping later with Cici and said that she could buy me birthday presents. My birthday is tomorrow, after all. I don�t really know what I want. There�s a list of CDs, a bunch of DVDs, a couple miscellaneous things, but I think she wants to buy me clothes. Of course, I need clothes, I always need clothes, but I would prefer to get fun presents. I wish I was a kid again, when �birthday shopping� meant going to Toys R Us to pick out a couple Barbies, a stuffed animal, and a board game. Now, it�s boring. Clothes. CDs. DVDs. When do I get a chance to watch movies anyway? I try to �make time� and say �screw homework�, but I can�t do that. I just can�t. I�ve always been a good student, and school has always been like this thing that was totally necessary and you have to do work, and go to classes, and do well. I still don�t really understand people who don�t do work, and�yes, those kinds of people. I never understood how school was not important to them, and I sometimes wish it wasn�t so goddamned important to me. Why can�t I just relax? Take the classes I want, and succeed in them? Not try to hard in the classes that I hate? Because I can�t. I have to do homework and try hard in physics and calculus. If I don�t, it will screw up my GPA and I�ll never get into a good college, and I won�t get a good job, and the entire world will end. Well, probably not, but that�s how it feels sometimes.

I need a vacation. A time to relax, to collect myself. I guess it�s good that in 3 weeks I�ll be down in Florida to visit my cousin over Thanksgiving. But then I�m missing two days of school. I fell behind in just missing 3 periods a day for 3 days, and having a chorus field trip for 4 periods another (and only one of those classes was �real�). When I talked to my counselor about a week and a half ago to �touch base�, she asked how I was doing and if my classes were alright, and mentioned that Junior year is often called the hardest. I was fine then, and told her that. I said that this year didn�t really feel that different from last year, and my schedule last year was actually a little more packed with classes (like that seems possible) and that I was able to handle everything. Now, though, I don�t know if I can. I feel like I�m drowning. I feel overwhelmed, but I don�t know what to do about it. First quarter ends on Friday, and I�m very worried about my grades. I�ve always been a mostly A student, with a couple Bs. This year, I�m feeling like I�m a C student. Nothing feels right. I�m guessing (and hoping), I did better than that, but I�m honestly not sure.

Well, I really have to get going on that homework.


Current Mood: Moody
Current Music: Fade - Staind

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