Gail (gailmarie) wrote,

Even the Scientologists know to start with a personality test...

Exciting news: our hot water heater should be fixed. I've taken 3 very cold showers (though sadly not the coldest showers of my life) in the past three days, so I shall undoubtedly enjoy tomorrow morning immensely.

Funny news: while the maintenance guy was here fixing the aforementioned hot water heater, the Mormons came to the door. I said I wasn't interested (and, I must admit, kinda laughed at them), at which point they asked me if the maintenance guy would be interested. I said "probably not," and promptly closed the door.

After, the maintenance guy made a call to the apartment manager to ask if the Mormons had gotten permission to go door-to-door and solicit residents. I'm guessing the answer was "no" because he responded with "alright, I'm going to tell them to leave."

Point breakdown: Maintenance guy - 1, Mormons - 0.

And for some appropriate humor, Julia Sweeney in her comedy routine 'Letting Go of God'

Not too long ago two Mormon missionaries came to my door, and they had little name tags that identified them as official representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and they said they had a message for me ... from God. I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes," and they told me the story all about this guy named Lehi who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites. And the Nephites were totally, totally good, each and every one of them, and the Lamanites were totally bad and evil, every single one of them, just bad to the bone. Then, after Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, on his way up to Heaven he stopped by America and visited the Nephites. And he told them that if they all remained totally, totally good, each and every one of them, they would win the war against the evil Lamanites. But apparently somebody blew it, and the Lamanites were able to kill all the Nephites. All but one guy, this guy named Mormon, who managed to survive by hiding in the woods; and he made sure this whole story was written down in Reformed Egyptian Hieroglyphics chiseled onto gold plates which he then buried near Palmyra, New York

Well I was so into this story I was just on the edge of my seat. I said, "What happened to the Lamanites?" They said, "Well, they became our Native Americans here in the U.S." And I said, "So you believe the Native Americans are descended from a people who were totally evil?" And they said, "Yes." Then they told me how this guy named Joseph Smith found those buried gold plates right in his backyard; and he also found a magic stone back there that he put into his hat and buried his face into, and this allowed him to translate the gold plates from the Reformed Egyptian into English.

Well at this point I just wanted to give these two boys some advice about their pitch. I wanted to say, "OK, don't start with this story." I mean, even the Scientologists know to start with a personality test before they start telling people all about Xenu the Intergalactic Overlord.

And, to keep it all in perspective...

If someone came to my door with Catholic theology, and I was hearing it for the first time and they said, ‘We believe that God impregnated a very young girl without the use of intercourse, and the fact that she was a virgin is maniacally important to us, and she eventually had a baby and he was the son of God,’ I would think that was equally ridiculous.

And just for crazy amounts of fun, my dearest Eddie Izzard on the Church of England (cake or death?):

Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church: "Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm gong to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife…(makes sound similar to putting babies on spikes)"

And the Pope's going, "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up… ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"
Tags: apartment, comedy, maintenance, mormons, stand-up

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