So...this is REALLY geeky...but...

It's the third of May, 2008.

Which is exactly 200 years to the day from the events portrayed by Francisco Goya in his painting "Third of May, 1808" (which he actually completed in the year 1814).


Oh yeah. Art History is my life.

Oy.

I'm lame. But every time I've checked the date today, it's come into my head.

Silly (or possibly not-so-silly) hypothetical question:

How do you write a conclusion for a 30-page thesis?



No, seriously. How do I sum that all up into a conclusion? What if I feel I haven't actually learned anything? What if the entire thing is total bollocks?




But yeah, you read that right. 30 pages. By the time I bang out a conclusion, I'm guessing it will be 32 pages (double-spaced, of course). Add in the footnotes (also double-spaced, because my professor has instructed me to do so), and we're looking at 38 prime pages.

Here's praying that my computers don't malfunction and my printer doesn't crap out...

Just a short post to say that Guster is fantastic.

I highly recommend acquiring the album "Keep It Together" by whatever means necessary. ("Lost and Gone Forever" as well...you really should get them both.)

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Also, paper is going very slowly. I can't seem to get my introduction to work, and it's messing up the whole flow. I should just leave it and try to make the body work and fix it later. Ugh.

I had a couple of the most bizarre school experiences today.

First, in my film class, we watched a movie on Laserdisc. Halfway through, the movie stopped because the disc had to be turned over.

Weird.

We got back our "Urban Anxiety" papers and I did VERY well, again. It makes me so excited to do well in that class. I really enjoy writing about film.


Second, a half hour into my Theory and Criticism in Art class, a woman came in and informed us that "there's a bad chemical smell in the building, everyone has to evacuate."

Evacuate? Chemical smell?

Am I going to die?

I guess there are a lot of chemicals in the Visual Arts Building...are any of them dangerous enough to evacuate an entire building?


But we got out of class early, so I'm taking the opportunity to watch In & Out before I have to go back to campus for Geography. Perhaps that class will get out early as well.


I feel as though there was something else...but it seems to have slipped my mind. Zut.

I've been thinking a lot about eduction in my final year of academic instruction. For alas, while my thesis advisor assures me that I should continue on to grad school (and that I would be successful there), and I assure her that I shall, in the future, do just that...there is always the possibility that this is it. My last 29 days of school ever.


So I've become introspective about the entirety of learning and the experience of it.

I have adored it. Even when I hated school, there was nothing else I'd rather be doing. It's why I haven't missed more that one class in the past three semesters combined. I haven't missed any this year at all. I tell those who don't understand the love of learning (my roommates included) that "I'm paying for it, so I may as well go."

The truth is, even when it's a wretched class that I absolutely can't stand, I try to find some redeeming quality. Or at the very least, take the new knowledge about which I care so little and store it away so I can recall it at some opportune moment in the future (it's a running joke in my art history classes that the small tidbits we learn off the curriculum are good for cocktail parties).

And I have been fairly happy with the status of my education. I couldn't have asked for a better high school experience, especially considering it was a public school. The education in Florida is so ridiculously bad that it has encouraged me to thank my lucky stars nearly every day of the past three years. One of my roommates excitedly said to me last week: "you should be proud of me, I wrote a really good two-page paper." It was hard for her. In the same week, I wrote a 6-page paper, 13 pages of my thesis, and an 8-page paper. If that doesn't inspire undying gratitude of Deerfield High School, I don't know what does.

But I just finished watching The History Boys, and a repeated comment was that there was "no time," meant in the sense that they were too busy memorizing facts and quotes and finding a systematic way to regurgitate them, to take time to actually read, or for the unstructured learning of their "General Studies" course. Even when presented with a new way of thinking, they merely put these different ideas into the same equation, coming out successful academically. But in the end, it was only the boy who embraces the content of the General Studies (aka, the one who thinks outside the box, doesn't fall victim to the established method) who truly comes out on top.

A bit of a tangent, but I (and I assume most others who passed through school easily) have made an occupation out of memorization and systematic regurgitation of those facts. But recently, I have been feeling an overwhelming disquietude over such an artificial approach to this revered object of "education." And perhaps there is no way to really escape from a systematized approach.

You see, lately, I've been taking it upon myself to advance my learning by pushing myself to work harder and think more analytically. It started last semester when my Women In Film class, while interesting, lacked a certain legitimacy. Frankly, we never discussed feminist theory, barely talked about what it means to have a female director behind the camera, and mostly focused on the plot of films that followed a female protagonist. Every week, we were given a writing prompt (to be no longer than one page, double spaced), that essentially synthesized the angle the film we had watched took on "women." While the response could have been fairly general and taken entirely from class discussion, I challenged myself to think outside the box and find a less-obvious answer than what I assumed everyone else was writing. It was a test of my thinking abilities, as well as my ability to write concisely (one-page assignments are really difficult). I didn't really care what my professor thought of my work, I was proud of what I was accomplishing.

This semester, I have striven to do the same thing. Again, my film class has weekly prompts, and I try to go above and beyond the minimum requirements. I feel I have benefited a broader understanding of the films, themes, and cultural events on which we focus. And in my Art Theory and Criticism class, in which we are encouraged to think, I tried to push myself in every assignment to find something new or a different focus. I'm tired of regurgitating, and I'm guessing professors are tired of reading the same thing (another theme in The History Boys).

Just yesterday, we watched Halloween (the 1978 John Carpenter version, of course), in American Film. And in my Theory and Crit class, we have been discussing Deconstructionism. So for fun, I decided to jot down some ideas I had about how Halloween fits into Deconstructionism. I think I may be taking Derrida's theory a bit too literally, but I think the point could be validly made, and a paper written on the topic. I never will because it is irrelevant to both the film and art class, and my analysis will never go farther than occupying a page in my notebook, but it doesn't matter, because I tried something out and even if it wasn't a total success, it worked well enough. If nothing else, I used my mind for something.


So here I am. 29 days left, a brain itching to do think and analyze and research, and no way to occupy it. I'm hoping to find a job that will at least stimulate parts, but what are the chances? For one, I've barely started looking (finding it utterly disheartening the last two times I tried), and two, even if I get an awesome job or internship or program, who's to say that I'll be really using my brain. Does anyone out there? Anyone who's gone beyond the world of academia actually think critically about anything? Or is this it? My final month of absorbing as much as I can before all goes pear-shaped and my mind is lost forever in a sea of monotony.


In perhaps a similar and related note, I have had the overwhelming urge to speak French recently. I use it quite often, to be honest. Usually for small phrases or when drunk. But I've just had this yearning recently to actually pick it up again and use it practically.

Oh man. The past two days have been cah-ray-zee.

FIrst off, I did a little more procrastinating yesterday than I had anticipated. Remember, I had been working on finishing my History of Prints extra credit paper comparing Rembrandt to Whistler in terms of printmaking.

After my nap between classes, I later spent time chatting with Colleen and TiVo'ing through the American Idol results show (cutting it down from an hour to 10 minutes).

All in all, not a ton of procrastinating, but I still found the paper to be far more difficult to get out than I had originally anticipated. When I began writing, things were going pretty smoothy, but it went a little downhill. Anyway, long story short (too late), I didn't get it finished until 4:15am. OUCH.

And so I set my alarm for 6:30am, giving myself a full hour to proofread and edit the entire thing before printing off a final draft (and boy did it need it). I still managed to get to my 8:30 class on time and I wasn't falling asleep as I had foreseen.


In fact, I was really quite productive.
- I got to campus a little early and returned a few books to the library (I'm down from 10 to 7!)
- After class, I picked up my graded outline outside my theory and criticism professor's office, so I can use it to work on my term paper over Spring Break
- On my way home, I got gas (because the angry little light came on)
- At my apartment complex, I checked my mail and in addition to my two new Netflixes (Dedication with Mandy Moore and Billy Crudup and Silk with Keira Knightley and fuck all else) I got a postcard from the lovely Laura, who was in Portugal at the time
- Then, I went into the office to pay for electric overages ($0.57...yes, you read that right. I had to write out a check for fifty-seven CENTS).

So it was all little stuff, but still. Quite impressive, and on 2 hours of sleep as well.


Needless to say, I then napped, but only for an hour and a half. I woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed, so I have since feasted on a Hot Pocket for lunch and have plans to make this a "movie day." I'll be hitting up Be Kind, Rewind in Winter Park before meandering over to the Enzian for Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day. Tomorrow morning, I'll be catching The Bank Job for $5, thanks to AMC's A.M.Cinema program, before heading to Spring Hill. Saturday is a mexican fiesta and poker night at my sister's, so awesomeness is bound to ensue!!

Oh, and did I mention?

I'M ON SPRING BREAK!!!


Other plans include getting a new cell phone, taking advantage of Bath & Body Works' $3 hand soap sale (and JUST as I was running out! Literally...my last soap just started to sputter), and using a coupon at Yankee Candle for a reed diffuser. The stupid wall plug-in things are total shite, so I'm thinking diffuser might be the best way to give a fresh, lasting scent to my humble abode. I might get it all done today...who knows?

I'm not sure why I found this so funny, but I really must post.

I was looking up a synonym for "sell short" because that sounds dumb in an analytical paper, and using the Mac "Dictionary" application (aka, the Oxford American Dictionary, 2nd edition), and stumbled upon this gem:

sell out, def. 2: they say he has sold out as an artist abandon one's principles, prostitute oneself, sell one's soul, betray one's ideals, be untrue to oneself; debase oneself, degrade oneself, demean oneself.


Ouch. I mean...prostitute oneself? Sell one's soul? That hurts.


In other news, I was going to use this short break between my classes to work more on my Rembrandt/Whistler paper, but I have a ridiculous headache and the computer screen is not helping. So methinks I shall lay down and close my eyes for a while, hopefully deter the throbbing in my brain so that I will be able to a) concentrate in Geography, and b) return home to finish up my paper without huge amounts of pain.

Rock.

So my thesis is...unfinished. And in need of a lot of work. But my advisor was positive and confident that I will be fine (despite the fact she hasn't read it yet). I'll get my draft back with plenty o' notes so I can work on it even more over Spring Break. Additionally, she flattered me profusely which helped my ego and gave me the boost to want to continue working on my thesis (because, dear god, after 8 weeks, I'm getting a little tired of it all).

Additionally, she said she'd be happy to be a reference for any job or program I might apply to...and she's going to be on the lookout for paid internships/other opportunities that might be good for me.

Rock.

Additionally, for the first time in a long while, I have been laughing aloud at "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report." Methinks its because my stress levels are WAY down after I turned in my American Film paper and partial thesis. Granted, I still have my History of Prints extra credit paper (8 pages due Friday), but I'm taking tonight off to watch some TV, Into the Wild (which I rented from Redbox for FREE), and just chill out.

My watch says the date is the 31st.

Clearly it doesn't know that February only has 29 days (or, rather, it expected me to actually change the date at the appropriate time. Silly).


I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now because I have too much work and not enough time to do it in. But I figured that if I made a list, I might be able to more successfully compartmentalize and it will seem less impossible:
- Thesis (I'm aiming for 16-20 pages for Tuesday, but really I'm not worried about the length, just about getting everything I want to say in there and support all of my conclusions satisfactorily)
- Geography webwork assignment (due before class on Tuesday, so I'll have to do it by Monday night...I think it's a long one, though, so it will take about 2 hours)
- Theory and Criticism term paper outline (definitely waiting until after my thesis appointment with my advisor. I should be able to take a lot of it out of my thesis if I go about it right. It's due Thursday)
- History of Prints extra credit paper (it's extra credit, but I need the 10 points, so I'll have to write a kick-ass, 8-page comparison of Rembrandt's "The Three Trees" and Whistler's "[something] Landscape" etchings. Time consuming...and time I don't really have. I guess that's what I'll be doing all-day Wednesday and Thursday morning and evening)

All I can say is thank god I wrote my Film paper (also due Tuesday) last week.


But I guess if I compartmentalize it, I only have my thesis and Geography webwork to do before 9am on Tuesday. The outline and Prints paper can wait until Wednesday. Assuming, of course, I can write an 8-page paper in a day and a half.

I foresee no sleep in my future.

The good news? Spring Break begins immediately after that extra-credit paper is due on Friday.


Oh, and at some point I should let you all in on the drama of the apartment. Everything is currently imploding, but I'm ignoring it all until I have time to worry about it.

I think I use that subject line too much...but check this out.

These were my predictions for my family's Oscar pool (we only do selective categories, and three tie-breakers):
Best Picture: "No Country For Old Men"
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis ("There Will Be Blood")
Best Actress: Marion Cotillard ("La Vie en Rose")
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem ("No Country For Old Men")
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton ("Michael Clayton")

Tie-breakers:
Film With Most Wins: No Country For Old Men
Number of Wins: 4
Time: 3 hours, 21 minutes


And if you watched, you may notice that those were EXACTLY RIGHT. Including the tie-breakers. Including the LENGTH OF THE SHOW.

8 out of 8.

BAM BABY! I am a golden god!


Overall, I was happy with the show. I thought Jon Stewart did a great job (he was very funny in an appropriate-to-the-Oscars way...for the most part). I thought the speeches were interesting and the winners were excited and sincere (not boring or reserved like some of those pretentious fuckers are). There were some wins I was really happy about, including "Falling Slowly" from Once for Best Song, Dario Marianelli for Best Score from Atonement, and Sweeney Todd's win for Art Direction (perhaps they were only small tokens, but at least it was something for three films I found particularly fantastic this year). Additionally, after seeing Juno again this morning, I really found that most of the greatest things about the film were contained in the script so kudos to Diablo Cody for that. I think it was well-deserved (and like many of the winners, she was excited and gracious).

I was, however, disappointed that Atonement didn't take anything else (I was really hoping for screenplay). And while I appreciate that No Country For Old Men cleaned up (as I stated earlier, I truly think it's a better film than equally hyped There Will Be Blood), I think my biggest disappointment was that The Diving Bell and the Butterfly didn't take anything. I was certain it would grab Cinematography, if not Editing, and I was really hoping for Direction...I mean. Julian Schnabel is great and for an American director to choose to do a film in France, in French, and with such unique technical aspects and challenges...it was brilliant. And I really don't see how any other film even came near it. It was ridiculously distinctive and redefined the boundaries of how the camera is used. It really makes me wonder about whether the Academy members voting saw the film, or saw it all the way through. I know when I went to the theater, it wasn't more than 20 minutes in when I found myself wondering if I could sit through the entire thing. It was so uncomfortable and constricting and I honestly considered walking out just because I wasn't a strong enough person to deal with the intensity of the themes and subject matter, both of which are conveyed through amazingly direct cinematography. But I stayed and it was incredible. I just wonder how many people, especially if they were watching screeners in the privacy of their own homes, turned the film off when it got uncomfortable and didn't bother to finish it. It's a lot easier to turn off a DVD than walk out of a theater. Personally, I don't turn off movies a lot, but I never did finish La Vie en Rose. Perhaps the most incredibly parts of the film were in the last half, but I'll never know because I didn't enjoy the story or characters. Edith Piaf is just so unforgiving and so unforgivable. Marion Cotillard is fabulous, especially as she is able to portray such an unequivocal bitch when she is really so sweet and adorable.

So yes. Part of me wonders if the Academy just didn't see The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, or whether they just didn't see in it what I did. I don't understand how anyone who saw the entire thing could have thought it wasn't the most brilliant Directing, Cinematography, and Editing of the year.

I was also surprised that The Bourne Ultimatum took three awards...it made it the second winningest film tonight. So odd.


I think that's it, really. I need to get to bed. Tomorrow starts off early with 8:30am class, then I'll be finishing up the work on my thesis outline so that I can start actually pounding out the rough draft this week. I also have to write a paper on "urban anxiety as a theme in an American film" (I will be using Modern Times--it's perfect); it's due next Tuesday.

This is possibly TMI, but I woke up at 5:45am (an hour and a half before my alarm was set to go off) with ridiculously bad cramps. Lovely.

And perhaps some people would have been able to go back to sleep, but after popping a couple Advil I could see that sleep wasn't going to happen for me.

I decided to be productive and "just for fun" research some museums and possible internship programs for after I graduate.

Now granted I'm a little fatigued from lack of sleep and just now feeling relief in my nether regions, but it was entirely disheartening and possibly a little soul sucking.

A vast majority of the internships are unpaid (including the Musée d'Orsay, I checked). Of the ones that are paid, most want enrollment in a Master's program. Some even require being a PhD candidate. And one I found that seemed PERFECT...the application deadline was January 17th.

Not to mention that it all started me panicking because I have a terrible resumé with no real world experience and only 2 decent personal references.


So now I'm seriously concerned that I'll never be able to find a job, either within my field or without and I'm going to be in debt up to my eyeballs.

I think this is the part in life where one sinks or swims. And I still don't know how to swim.

!!!!

Movies opening near me on Friday:
- Be Kind Rewind
- Charlie Bartlett
- In Bruges


Oh, so excited. Particularly for In Bruges. It's funny, because I really don't like Colin Farrell and I actively dislike Ralph Fiennes, but I feel like this might be a film in which all preconceived notions are disregarded. And Be Kind Rewind just looks like insane amounts of fun and I think Michel Gondry is a brilliantly unique filmmaker, so I'm excited to see what comes of this.


And now, I've finished my Geography homework, so I'll be spending the rest of the day studying for my Theory and Criticism in Art History midterm. (Not gonna lie...I'm excited to review my notes and compile them into a study sheet.)


Oh...and Idol is back. :-D

I am cheerful because my wretched Geography class was cancelled. And I used the time I would have been there to go grocery shopping. So well done, all around.

I have also realized why a) I am so disenchanted with the UCF film program, b) I hate gen-ed class, and c) art history has become my most fascinating area of study. And all are related.

It's theory. I love theory. I love discussing and analyzing and theorizing. It can be applied to any humanity, really. Maybe even sciences. But so far, the only classes I've been exposed to this kind of learning since high school has been art history. Gen-eds never delve that far into curriculum (actually, my Chemistry class bordered on it...which is why I obsessed over getting an A in that class....I studied 18 hours for the final exam because I wanted to make sure I did well...who does that? For Chemistry?).

Anyway, the film program here is SERIOUSLY lacking in theory. I even took Theory and Criticism in Film and we didn't get beyond the most basic formalist theory. We literally spent half the semester on Seigei Eisenstein's concept of montage (aka - what has become standard for film editing). It was revolutionary...in 1915. We barely scratched the surface of André Bazin, who had some interesting, critical ideas. We never once discussed anything like feminism, black theory, Marxism, queer theory. We never even looked at social or political context of films or discussed how the biography of a filmmaker can affect the work. (All of those are things we've covered in the first 6 weeks of my Theory and Criticism of Art History course). To it's credit, the American Cinema class I'm in currently is all about biography and social context. But it lacks severely in anything else. We don't discuss thinkers in film classes. And we should.

I was in the library today, picking up a book for a film paper I have due in two weeks (I'm highly doubtful that anyone else in my class will use an academic source. Maybe an online newspaper or journal article...but I'm guessing Joe Schmo's Film Review website is going to be their top source. But whatever. In the books I picked up (and when I'm in the film books section, I pick up many that are not related to my research...just to see), there were plenty of references to Baudelaire or Walter Benjamin (whose work Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction is paramount to Marxist theory and any duplication-based art, like printmaking or photography or film). Yet has Walter Benjamin been mentioned in ANY of my film classes? No. Not once. Maybe back at Indiana, but definitely not at UCF.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much from a school whose art history department is slowly imploding while they build a new Biological Sciences building, but it's my education and shouldn't I be getting more than this?

I guess the bottom line is that if I want to learn it, I'll have to teach myself. Or go to grad school (I'm making the broad assumption that grad school actually teaches based on theory and discourse.

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In other news, Nilla wafers and vanilla frosting is the best snack ever. Plus, the frosting entirely defeats the purpose of eating Reduced-Fat Nillas (yes, I'm using that as a "plus").

My thesis is not progressing greatly, but I am having a great time reading through some of the books and articles I've found.

And now I'm taking a break to watch American Gangster, which I picked up from a redbox today (it was just released on DVD). Mmm...$1 movie night. Life is grand.

(As a sidenote, I think it's really sad that there are really only two prominent, black dramatic actors (Morgan Freeman and Denzel Washington). I mean, I think you can make an argument for Jamie Foxx or Will Smith as a Denzel-follower, and possibly someone like James Earl Jones for Freeman (had his career been fuller in more recent years), but really...)

There is the most beautiful spring breeze coming through my window and it makes me want to go sit on the grass and do my work outdoors.

But alas, my apartment complex is the epitome of the concrete jungle and the breeze is merely the forefront of a chain of thunderstorms heading our way.


I am enjoying the breeze while it lasts, though. And hopefully I can keep the window open through the storms so I can get the fresh, rainy air. Because today I am working on my thesis. I've been irresponsibly putting it off all weekend. It seems my answer to "how do you eat an elephant?" was not the traditional "one bite at a time," but rather "don't and starve."

But today I must buckle down and flesh out my outline enough so that I can start writing my rough draft (due in two weeks). The final paper is expected to be 25 pages (maybe only 23 with two pages of endnotes), so I think my rough draft should be at least that. My thesis advisor is of the mind that it's easier to cut stuff out than put it back in, so she told me (ever so eloquently) to just shove as much in as I can.

My issue right now is that I'm struggling with the concept of Orientalism (big "O" thanks to Edward Said). I understand the theories and how it relates to Post-Colonial studies, and I find it all intensely fascinating. I could definitely use it to analyze a work of art like Delacroix's Death of Sardanapalus or even Ingres's La Grande Odalisque. My issue is trying to apply it to non-Colonial works by non-Western artists. Analyzing a 19th century Western man's view of harems? Piece of cake. Analyzing a 21st century Pakistani woman's art from the same context? Seems impossible. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for, but I plan to read many, many essays on the subject in the books I've checked out from the library.

Oh, so much work.


And my mind keeps drifting to a grand manor in France and if we build it from the ground up, what the layout and floorplans will look like. If I had the time, I'd draft it out.

I'm pretty damn awesome today.

Like.

I'm so hot, I'm on FIRE.


First off, in my American Cinema class, we got back our papers. Now, my professor started by reminding us that if we got lower than a B (a B- or below), we could take the paper to the University Writing Center, and next week turn in a revised draft for a letter grade raise. He also stated that he graded some papers down on purpose so that people would be forced to go to the UWC to "improve their writing."

Needless to say, I was a little terrified, especially because I didn't think I really followed the instructions very well.

But. I got an A. A nice, bright, shiny A on the top of my paper. Not only that, but the comments were really positive (the paper was well-organized, I "understand how to present an idea and then how to support it with examples from the film and [my] research"). It's always nice to get confirmation that I know what I'm doing when it comes to writing a film research paper.


Second, I checked my History of Prints exam grade. If you'll recall, I stated: "I'm going to fail tomorrow's test, and then the class, then have to take summer school in order to graduate. I don't know if they even offer upper-level art history classes during the summer...so I'm going to fail and have to wait until fall to finish my requirements to graduate."

Well, I got an 84. Far from failing...in fact, it's really good. And better than I was expecting.

It is also nice to know that I have an effective way to study for these exams (finally). I've worked out a system for going over my notes and finding what's important, and it works, so that's excellent.


Third, I got back my Theory and Criticism in Art History practice quiz, which doesn't really count for anything, but acts as a barometer for where I am in the course and how prepared I am for the midterm next week.

And I got a √+. Woo-hoo. I am in a good position to take this midterm.

Fourth, we got back our art reviews (a written paper assignment) in the same class. And my professor is a hard grader, which she mentioned in class saying that a 90 is a huge accomplishment.

I got a 94, and the comments were spectacular. Well, I took them as being spectacular. It said "excellent" with little hash marks around it (like sun rays). And under that, it says "shows really learning about this 'art-writing'" which is good because I am SUPER self-conscious about my art writing. I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing most of the time and that I don't have the affinity for art history that most do.

So that was HUGE for me.


So to sum up, I've gotten really high grades, I have a good grasp on how to write critical research papers about film AND art, and I know how to prepare and study for my art history exams.

Oy. Things are finally falling into place.